So much pain…

I’ve been in so much pain the last week and a half. Feels like my ribs broke somehow (now sure how-maybe my cat is heavier than I thought!)

All I know is that I can barely move, it hurts to breathe, can’t even sit comfortably with this pain!! Ugh, why is this happening?!

Well, I got a doctors appointment today, so hopefully I will be able to get answers. Till next time, everyone…

The Tom and Vince Xmas Special

Tom and Vince Give a Special Reading of “Twas the Night Before Xmas” and it All Goes Off the Rails

Tom and Vince

Read…

T’was the Night Before Christmas

Vince: …Hello, friends, neighbors, and people we hope we don’t meet. On this time of giving, we would like to-

Tom (bursting through the door reeking of whiskey): S-sorry. I didn’t mean to… to miss rehearsal. There was a rehearsal, right…?

Vince: Uhm… yes, Tom. Good of you to show. We’re gonna give the folks at home a treat…

Tom: We gonna let em see Morty’s tits?

Vince: No, no. She’s on vacation this month. We’re going to read the classic ‘T’was the night before Christmas’ to everyone.

Tom: I don’t know that one.

Vince: Haha, that’s funny Tom. Everyone knows that story.

Tom: Well, I’m not everyone. And I don’t.

Vince (facepalms): Whatever. Let’s get this over with…

Vince: T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…

Tom: What about Uncle Tony?

Vince: Passed out cold on the floor.

Tom: Are his pants on this time?

Vince: You wish.

Tom: That’s Uncle Tony for you…

Vince (clears throat): Anyway… The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…

Tom: Only to catch fire and burn Uncle Tony’s ass hair.

Vince: That’s not how it goes, Tom.

Tom: Whatever, dude.

Vince: *sighs* Anyway…The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.

Tom: Sugarplums? Yeah right! Those are visions of video games and all the other shit they hope to get on Christmas!

Vince (Giving Tom side-eye): And Mom and her nightgown and I in my cap-

Tom: You got married?! Dude!

V: No, it’s in the-

T: Who was the best man? Just answer me that. Who did you get INSTEAD OF ME for your best man?!?

V: Uh… then, out from the lawn, there arose such a clatter!

T: You looked and saw me with a sour look on a ladder

V: Okay, Tom? I’m not married.

T: Wait, you said your wife was in a-

V: Yeah… MY WIFE IN THE POEM.

T: …

V: …

T: I don’t follow.

V: AUGGGH!!!

[One twenty-minute commercial break later]

V (talking offstage): …Now, where are we again? Thanks, Frank. *clears throat* Then, out from the lawn arose such a clatter! I jumped out of bed and ran to see what was the matter!

T: To his surprise, a guest to the show, who would be down there but RUSSEL FUCKING CROWE!!

V: Wait, what?

T: You heard right! Russel Crowe is here!

V: Holy shitcakes!! How did we make that miracle happen?!?

T: Never doubt the power that lots of money and a guy with connections has in this business.

V: Well, let’s go!

T: Mr. Crowe stood there, his jaw looking strong, and with his epic voice said…

Russel Crowe: Can we move the story along?

T: Thanks, Mr. Crowe! The check’s in the mail!

V: Wait, wait!! That was it? We spent all that money to get Russel fucking Crowe… as a segue?!

T: That’s all we could afford him for, Vince. Oh, by the way, they used your Xmas bonus to pay for him. You okay with that…?

V (getting emotional): M-my bonus…

T: I’ll take it from here, buddy. *clears throat and looks at poem*mmm-hmm… okay, let’s start here…

T: Up in the sky, to my wandering eyes appeared, a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight reindeer. Why they weren’t quickly taken out by NORAD, I don’t know but anyway…

V: I was gonna use it to pay back my debt…

T: …The sleigh’s little driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it was St. Nick, cause who the fuck else could it be, Elvis? Geez, did whoever write this think he was gonna tell it to the special class, or something?

V: *gently sobbing*

T (offstage): Hey, can someone get Vince a vitamin water? Maybe some whiskey? A line of blow and a BJ? He’s starting to make me feel like crying…

[yet another 20-minute break later]

T: Welcome back, everyone! While Vince is having his breakdown over finances, we got a Surprise Guest for everyone! Boys and girls, say hello to jolly Saint Nick himself, Santa Cl-

Satan: Let’s do this quick. Got a kegger to get to.

T (eyes wide in shock): …Uhh…

S: Wait a minute, this isn’t right… where are the sacrifices? And why aren’t [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] bowing before me??

T (eyes wider in horror): …UUUUHHHHHH….

S (offstage): I think there’s been a mix-up, I can’t… what do you mean… well, do I get paid for… how much? Okay, okay, I can do this. (turning to Tom) Hey, Tom! Ho, ho, ho!

T: *stands still, mouth agape in shock*

S (whispering): Look, I know this is all kinds of fucked, trust me, I’m with you, but you gotta pull through. Think of the children… the pure, innocent children…

T: Oh please, don’t get turned on…

S (visibly angry): WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DEGENERATE DO YOU THINK I-

*one 5-minute break later*

S: So, we good now?

T: Yeah, think so.

S: Good. Let’s take these lemons and make some lemonade.

T: Right then! Ahem… “Now DASHER! Now PRANCER, and VIXEN! On COMET! And CUPID, and DONNER and-

S: Always wondered why the reindeer had hooker names

T: Donner isn’t a hooker name.

S: That one has historical significance. Ever heard of the Donner party? Btw, did you know I’m the one who convinced the Donner party to eat each other? They were only a mile and a half from a fort, and I came to one of them in a dream and told them they were trapped in a gulch, all hope was lost and all that jazz. Didn’t think they’d eat each other after that! I thought it was funny as, well, y’know…

T (offstage): Can I just skip to the last bit? This is gonna- I can? Ohh, thank you God [looks at Satan] Uh, I mean thank you, of course!! *laughs meekly* You are the real reason for the season, you obviously handsome red hunk of man, you-

S: I’ll take it from here.

T: Yes sir.

S: *clears throat* He said not a word, but went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. And, laying a finger to the side of his nose…

T: Blew out a booger the size of a rose?

S: [Glares at Tom]

T: …I’ll stop talking now.

S: And giving a nod, to the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh and gave his team a sly whistle. And just like that, flew away like a missile!

S: [Puts arm around Tom] But I heard as he flew away into the night…

V (staggering out with a bottle of cheap gin in his hand): I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

T: VINCE!!! I thought they sent you home for the day!

S (Checking the script): Does it end like that…?

V: Look, Tom. I know we’re cursed to live our lives on the set of this show, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about the infrequent episodes, and Russel Crowe can go fuck himself with a digirr-a degerera- with that thing they blow on to make the noise.

S: Oh, that thing! Wish I knew how it was fucking spelled too, honestly…

V: Point is, you and every named person on this show is like family to me. And I wanna spend the holidays with you guys. [hugs Tom] Merry Christmas, asshole.

T: …Are you drunk?

V: If you ruin this, I will break this bottle over your head.

T (smiles and shrugs): Merry Christmas, you dick-cheese.

S (looking at the lead camera): So, does this mean we’re done?

End.

Time (isn’t on my side)

Or How I Lost Track and Forgot My Own Deadline

God, I am such a jerk. I Meant to post the final chapter of the Tom and Vince Halloween Trilogy the last week of November. I really, really, REALLY intended to get it written and posted. But, genius with planning ahead that I am, I did not realize that the last week of November is Thanksgiving in my country and my OTHER job was gonna want me six days that week.

Now, if I were a true genius, I would’ve finished the story by then so all I’d have to do is post it that week. But unfortunately, I seem to be a genius at idiocy, and I didn’t even do THAT. Now, it is the middle of December, beginning of a snowstorm, and I have NOTHING to show for it writing wise (except a short short story I sent out to a contest.)

Well, I gotta get these creative juices flowing again somehow. Till Next time!

Tom And Vince Halloween Special, Part 2!!!

Better late than never, right? RIGHT?!

Well, anyway, here it is! Till next time!!

Tom and Vince Halloween Special

Part 2: The Trick

Halloween 2020 was proving to be a busy holiday. The stores were out of candy, mostly because Old Ms. Crowley had bought all the full-size bars. Kids were going for treats while their parents tricked out their costumes for late-night parties.

For Tom and Vince, however, Halloween was fun for other reasons. They were too old for trick or treating, and most of the people in the Show knew better than to invite them to parties. They used to try handing out candy but would usually eat most of it before the kids even got to their door. So, instead of letting Tom seethe over how Ms. Crowley somehow gets her grubby old lady hands on the full-size bars again, Vince decided to bring some friends online and play a game they had both been hearing about for a while…

“Oh look,” Tom said via the headset from his room. “Another emergency meeting. And I was almost done with the electrical grid.”

“Tom, you’ve been groaning since the last game. Can you at least TRY to have fun?” Vince scolded from the living room.

“Sorry, buddy.” Suddenly, Tom cried out. “DAMMIT!! Blue killed me!”

“Whoa, that took longer than last time.” Muttered Vince.

“Don’t remind me. Oh, by the way stay clear of Blue. I think he’s one of the impostors.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m in a meeting.” The meeting did not go well for Vince, however. Blue convinced everyone that he was the impostor, and just like that, he was out of the game.

They both felt sour about the game they played, so they went somewhere to drown their sorrows. That proved to be a challenge as Tom was banned from almost every bar in the Show. Eventually they found a place-more of a hole in the wall, honestly- where they could sit down and get drunk.

“Damn that bastard Blue,” Tom seethed into his glass of P. Water’s Beer-Flavored Drink. “I was almost at the meeting, too!”

“Guy must have been in his fuckin’ debate group.” Vince moped, nursing a shot of whiskey. “How else can someone be so convincing…”

Meanwhile, the other bar patrons regarded the two with suspicion. “Hey Norm,” One asked another. “You know those two idiots?”

The one called ‘Norm’ took a good look at them. “Nah, never saw ‘em.” Was his final reply. “You think they’re suspicious or somethin’?”

“Just wondering who they are,” The other answered. “Thought I knew everyone here…”

Vince tapped Tom on the shoulder. “Hey, those jackoffs over at the bar were looking at us. Do you owe them money or something?”

Tom looked over his shoulder. “I dunno, but let’s blow this joint before they ask.” After skipping out on the bill, Tom and Vince walked for a bit. Tom had to puke after too many P. Water’s, so they stopped near an alleyway. As Tom walked out, he waved behind him, saying “Sorry about your shoes, Miss crack whore. I’m sure it’ll wash off…”

So then, they sat on a bench near a bus stop and pondered their next move. Finally, Vince had an idea. “Wanna find whoever played Blue and stomp the shit out of him?” Tom smiled wide. He was feeling in the mood for some of the old ultraviolence. Then, a thought occurred to him…

“Why? It’s just a game.”

“Yes, it was just a game,” Vince interjected. “But we are petty. Plus, we’re main characters, so we can get away with fucking anything.”

Tom began to think. “Okay, but how do we find whoever played Blue? Not like we can just deus ex machina our way into his apartment or some…”

It was then he noticed they had inexplicably changed locations. They weren’t at the bus stop anymore; they were in some guy’s apartment. And Instead of being next to him on a bench, Vince had some guy on his knees, preparing to slice his neck with a letter opener.

“Vince, Vince!!” He cried, causing his friend to pause. “I think they put something in our drinks! QUICK!! We need to induce vomiting before we wake up on a Chinese junk with our balls in the same vice!!”

Vince dropped the letter opener and facepalmed in embarrassment. “Uh Tom, we haven’t been drugged. We found the guy a few minutes ago. It was only a five-minute drive from where we were to his apartment…”

“HOW?!? HOW DID WE GET HERE??!”

“Deus ex Machina…”

“E-excuse me?” Tom couldn’t believe his ears.

“Try not to think right now, Tom. You’ll give yourself a stroke.” Vince sighed. “I was hoping to make this messy. Guess I’ll have to snap your neck…”

“Wait, WAIT!!” The guy cried. “What if I bribed you into letting me live?!”

“What could you possibly give us that would validate you not dying for being better at video games than us?” Vince asked incredulously.

The man gave a sigh. “Okay, I’m not supposed to share this,” He told our “heroes”. “But I have it in good with the manager of the local electronics store, Mavis Electronics. He’ll let you load whatever you can get in a cart and just walk out the door with it if you tell him ‘it’s extravaganza day’.”

Vince looked at Tom. Tom nodded, meaning that, in the unspoken language of plot devices, they had a deal. “If you just told us this to keep us from killing you,” Vince warned him. “We’ll come back and kill you EXTRA hard!” And with that, They slowly back out of the man’s house and went to Mavis Electronics.

After loading two carts with speakers, DVDs and Blu-Rays, a 4K TV and a robot seal toy (not to mention whatever they could stuff in their pants) they waltzed out the door, each telling the manager “It’s extravaganza day.”

And it turned out that fucking guy sold them a lie. They ended up losing all the things they took from Mavis Electronics in the ensuing police pursuit, which ended with a hundred0car pile up, several buildings on fire, and an epic showdown with the police chief on the head of the Statue of Liberty that is too long to put down in a short story format. In the end though, the day belonged to Tom and Vince… no thanks to the asshole who told them that fib.

Three days had passed since then, and that asshole had found a new place that was even nicer than his old place. Things were looking up for him. He had escaped an attempt on his life, got a promotion at his job, used his bonus to buy a new swanky apartment… he even had a hot girlfriend that he wasn’t just calling hot. Things were great…

…And then THEY showed up. Busting down the doors to his place, Tom and Vince rushed in screaming like Rambo. They smashed up his apartment- an act the asshole thought they took a little too much pleasure in- then tied him up in the middle of his smashed-up place.

“Your boss told us where to find you,” Tom glowered, his face contorted in bloodthirsty anticipation of what he was going to do to him.

“Yeah,” Vince said. “Right after we showed him what we did to your coworkers.” He then added, “He fired you before we killed him by the way. You’ll be getting a letter in a few days…”

“B-but he has my email…” The asshole stammered meekly. “Please… don’t…”

“Sorry, buddy,” Tom said, pulling a chainsaw out of nowhere. As he started to rev it up, he added, “But it’s EXTRAVAGANZA DAY!!!”

Before they could get the satisfaction of sawing him in half from the balls up, Morty suddenly burst through the door, shouting, “HOW DO YOU JACKASSES KNOW MY BOYFRIEND, TOM AND VINCE?!?”

It was then the Tom and Vince both knew it was gonna be a long night…

To Be Concluded…

A Surprising Turn…

Well, this is a nice turn of events.

You see, I put in to join a publishing group not too long ago (end of last month, at the earliest). They hadn’t contacted me for a long time, so I figured they weren’t interested and moved on…

Well turns out, they ARE interested!! I have to submit manuscripts to get paid, so it will be a while before I see any profit from this venture. Even so, this is an exciting new chapter for me and I will keep everyone updated as things progress.

Till Next Time!!

A Quick Announcement from Tom… and Vince

“Hey, Vince?” Tom stood in front of the gathered crowd nervously. He didn’t like being around the nameless background characters; mostly because they were literally faceless. They may as well have been meat puppets, he thought.

Vince had called them out for an announcement, but he neglected to tell Tom about it. This made Tom angry, which in conjunction with his uneasiness around the faceless ones made him even more on edge. Worse, it made him sweat like a hog in heat. “Vince?? Dammit, Vince, get the fuck out here and tell us what the fuck is-

“Yeah Tom?” Tom turned around and saw Vince in a Dracula costume. “Uhm… Vince? Halloween is over…”

“Not according to the Simpsons’ calendar,” Vince said, tapping his watch.

Tom scoffed. “What, we’re going by the fucking SIMPSONS?! We gonna start murdering homeless people for ratings, too?”

Vince looked down in shame. “My second-best friend was homeless. When he saw that episode where Homer pretended to be homeless, he hung himself.”

“Yeah,” Tom looked angrily at the viewers, hoping to heaven one of them was Simpsons creator Matt Groening. “Shame on you, Simpsons. Fucking limousine liberal pricks.”

Vince then got to the point. “Television politics aside, I gathered all of you today to announce the

TnV HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!”

Tom was taken aback by that sora stylized announcement. “Whoa! We’re having a Halloween special?!”

“YES, TOM! WE- oh sorry, still got announcer voice there…” After clearing his throat, he continued. “We’re sorry that we haven’t released our third episode, and to make it up, we will be having three- count em, THREE- short minid-episodes based around the previous holiday. There will be one with Morty, our lovely lady of all things death and dying…”

“OOH, scintillating!!” Tom interjected.

“One with us, your main… uh, I guess we could be called ‘heroes’…”

“Gotta cheer for something,” said Tom. “May as well be us!”

“…Aaaand in the third episode, we’ll be having some CELEBRITY guests!!”

“[copyrighted to other people, please don’t sue]” Tom did his best impression of a legal contract, then went back in character and said, “Holy fuck, Vince! How will we do ALL of that in one month?”

“You have any idea how long a month is?” Vince announced. “It’s thirty days or more, dumbass!”

Tom laughed. “Well, guess we got some work to do!”

“Yes, we do!” Vince then addressed the viewing audience. “If you wanna see these mini-episodes, go to

www.StudioCreativ.com

And we will have one released every week!”

“WOW, what a tight schedule!” Tom remarked. “You think that lazy asshole who writes for us will be able to get his shit together in time??”

“I guess we’ll have to find out!” Vince responded. “The first mini ep will take place next Tuesday and be updated weekly! Tune on in, everyone!”

Tom and Vince waved and both ended with “Till next time!!”

Quick update

I didn’t like the direction I was going in my first draft of Tom and Vince chapter 3, so I am going to redo it from the part where they stop watching Netflix. Long story short, I felt that the story was getting overly political when it really needed to be underlying political tones. I’ll have to make it up to you all…

In the meantime, been working on getting recognized. Updated my resume on Glassdoor, and gonna try to put some feelers out soon. I will keep everyone posted.

Till next time!

On writing Eastern style fiction…

Been thinking about getting back into writing fantasy style stories again. Now, we ALL have to admit that Western fantasy has been done.

I think I may try to branch out and make a story with characters and creatures based on Eastern fantasy, while avoiding Japanese folklore. Which has ALSO been done.

So, after I finally finish the next Tom and Vince story (Haven’t forgotten, don’t worry!) my next project will be a fantasy story based on folklore of mainland China. If anyone has any folklore/fantasy stories or websites I should check out, let me know.

Till next time!