Well, the wait has been long, and my writer’s block has been unforgiving, but I did it. I wrote a new chapter in the tales of Tom and Vince, the unwanted heroes!!

I am pleased to present…. Magical Man-Child Tommy!!! Enjoy, and till next time!

Magical Man-child Tommy

By Dustin Plank

A Tom and Vince story

Part 1: The Shenanigans Begin

Vince was dying of boredom one day when Tom suddenly ran in shouting, “Vince, you are not gonna believe this sh- “

“No,” Vince cut him off; he was learning that the best way to stay in everyone’s good graces was to stop Tom from doing whatever he felt like doing. Wasn’t easy, but when life is a literal TV show, what is?

Tom smirked at Vince’s feeble attempt to stop the momentum of things. He wasn’t a genius but even he knew you can’t stop the flow of the universe. A yoga instructor told him that once when he failed to get in her pants.

“Okay then,” Tom started back outside, adding “But it’s already happened…”

Vince rolled his eyes-he didn’t want Tom to win this, but it was that or stay bored, so….

“What happened already, dumbass?”

Tom jumped on the couch next to Vince so suddenly Vince thought he was going to rocket into the ceiling. And Tom began to relay the story thus far…

“Okay, so I was walking around, saying hi to people and getting flipped off, y’know? Well, As I was walking through the park, I noticed a light on in the abandoned shed- “

“There’s an abandoned shed in the park?”

“I guess so, Vince-keep up alright?” Anyway, I investigate, and I see three teenage girls talking to some stuffed animal. I knock on the door and say…”

“What the fucking hell is going on here?!” Tom burst through the door thinking it was some sort of suicide pact. “Don’t do this, please! I mean yeah, life is shit and fucking sucks, but think of the misery you’ll leave behind!!”

“Uh, sir?” One of the girls who had blood red hair tied up into a ponytail informed him. “We aren’t doing anything dangerous…”

“Well,” Another girl-short blonde hair and glasses- said. “We are using magic to become crime-fighting magical girls. Isn’t that dangerous?”

Red Tail rolled her eyes and said, “I thought we were keeping that between the three of us, Carrie…”

“Don’t worry, Carrie,” The stuffed toy-looking thing said. “Once the ritual is complete, we’ll wipe his memory, and he won’t remember a thing!!”

“I’m still not sure of this…” the third-pink hair and slightly older than the other two- was feeling unsure of all this. “I mean, how do we know this is gonna be like Sailor Moon and not like Madoka Magica?”

“We don’t know your goofy anime references, Sally!” Lettie told her senior. “God, you are such a weeb!”

“If you did know, you’d share my feelings, Lettie…” Sally crossed her arms in a pouty fashion.

“Can I become magic too?” Tom asked innocently.

“NO!!!” Came the answer from the girls. The stuffed critter was a bit more diplomatic. “I-I’m sorry stranger, but This is only for the girls. Who ever heard of a magical man, anyway?”

“Mr. Haveridge probably has.” Tom shot back.

The critter cocked its head to one side. “Who-or what-is a Mr. Haveridge?”

“Oh, he’s my attorney who specializes in winning discrimination cases of all types.” Tom went on. “You may have heard about his latest victory… Casey vs. Rip College? Toons can go to college now because of him.”

The critter’s eyes widened in horror. “Not THAT Mr. Haveridge…”

Tom smiled victoriously. “The same. Now, can I be magic, or do I have to make a call?”

The critter looked nervously at each of the girls. “No, not at all!” Lettie put her foot down on the side of the nays. Callie and Sally on the other hand were a bit more open. “I mean, it would be a win for inclusiveness to have the first ever magical man-child…”

“Man, you mean?”

Sally frowned and reiterated, “Man-CHILD, and if you don’t like it, tell it to Mr. Haveridge or whatever.” Tom was about to object, then decided he liked the ring of Magical Man-Child Tommy, so he let it slide. “Okay,” he said. “What now?”

“Now,” The little critter began. “Each of you prick your finger and let a drop of blood fall into the circle…”

Tom suddenly felt he was getting in over his head. Again. “Oh god, this is shades of Madoka Magica…” He uttered under his breath, his face turning blue.

“You too…?” Sally whispered to Tom; her face was blue too. “Yeah,” Tom whispered back. “We should probably go…”

“Far away from here,” Sally agreed.

“Hey,” Critter spoke, calling them to attention. “Lettie and Callie have already gone in, what’s keeping you two?”

At that point, Tom and Sally threw caution to the wind and gave in to the sweet, sweet embrace of peer pressure. After the blood pact, each person was given a magical item and instructions on how to transform. Lettie got a guitar pick, Callie got a bell, Sally got a tiny whistle-Tom thought it looked like a rape whistle, but he didn’t want to say anything for fear of being that guy-and Tom got…

“…a wand?” Vince repeated incredulously. “Critter’s got a thing for music…”

“A conductor’s baton, actually…” Tom looked at his magic item. “It said all I gotta do is hold it up and say a few words and I turn into magic man, so it is all good.”

“What are those words?”

Before Tom could reply, Morty zapped in in a blaze of brimstone. “Hey guys, thought I’d warn you to- “

“Oh hey Morty,” Tom said aloud. “I’m a magic man…”

At this, Morty seemed to understand too well. “Oh, damn. I was gonna tell you to spread the word that- “

Just then, Jazz walked in. “Hey guys,” She greeted them. “Your front door is open. Gotta be careful-weird people out these days…”

“Yes,” Morty was starting to get angry at all the interruptions. “I was saying- “

Then, Tom held up his magic baton and shouted, “MAGIC MAN-CHILD… TRANSFORM!!!”

As Tom entered his lengthy, Sailor Moon-esque transformation sequence, Morty sighed to herself. “Should’ve fucking known…”

At the end of the sequence, Magical Man-Child Tommy stood before his friends. His outfit was flashy, consisting of an opera mask, top hat, a black coat with tails… and booty shorts so tight and short you could see every contour of his batch.

“So,” Tommy asked. “What do you think?”

“I think you look like a twat,” Vince replied. “Morty, what do you…?” Looking towards Morty, he trailed off once he noticed where she was looking…

“Uh… Morty? Morty? Morty!!”

“H-huh?! What?!”

“Eyes.”

“Eyes…?”

“Yes Morty, your eyes. Move them up.”

“I’m trying, but I… can’t stop staring at his crotch.” She began to blush. “I-I’m like a moth to a flame…”

“I noticed,” Tom remarked. Then with a mischievous smile, he began to sway his hips.

Morty’s normally pale face started turning beet red. “What are you doing?!”

“Keep an eye on the birdie…” Tom chuckled, swaying his hips more, each swing making Morty’s face redder with embarrassment.

“Tom, please stop.” Vince begged his friend.

“No,” Tom replied.

“I’m begging you.”

“Yeah, no.”

“I mean it, Tom!” Vince began to blush now. “Please stop! PLEASE!! I’M LOOKING AT IT TOO, DUMB SHIT!!!”

Hearing that finally made Tom stop swaying. “Sorry Vince. I did not mean to turn you on…” Vince glared at Tom. “Tom, you do that again and I will kick the shit outta you.”

Soon after Tom stopped, Morty collapsed to her knees and began to gasp for air. “Was it good for you?” Tom chided her.

“Hate you…” Morty replied between breaths. “Hate you so much…”

“So anyway,” Vince asked. “What are you going to do with this…” He motioned to Tommy’s outfit. “Uh…power?”

This question took Tommy aback for a bit. “Huh… I don’t know. Figured I would start by binging all the Shrek movies, then maybe I’d make Morty uncomfortable some more…”

Upon hearing that, Morty summoned a portal back to her home and said, “And with that I say goodbye.” After she left Vince asked his magical friend with the tight booty shorts, “Don’t you feel you have a responsibility to this power? I mean, fight crime or something…”

“But fighting crime is hard…” Tom moaned lazily. “And besides, Shrek is love, Shrek- “

“Yeah, yeah, Shrek is all that and a bag of grass, but why take the power of a magic… man-child… if you aren’t going to use it?”

“What can I say,” Tom jumped on the couch. “I don’t like feeling left out.”

Tom fell asleep halfway through Shrek the Third. During his slumber he heard the weird stuffed animal that gave him his power talking to him. “Tommy… wake up, Tommy…”

Magical Man-Child Tommy woke up to find the critter sitting on his chest. Two of the three magic girls stood flanking both sides of the couch, looking less than happy with their lazy compatriot.

“What, did I miss a company meeting or something?” Tom asked, his eyes wide as dinner plates.

“We been calling you for two and a half hours,” Callie scolded him. “We needed you in the fight, and you were sleeping in front of the TV, dammit!!”

“Oh, by the way” The little critter said matter-of-factly. “Lettie has gotten kidnapped by a crime syndicate. And you could’ve helped, if you were there.” Putting a paw to his mouth the critter whispered. “Asshat.”

“Wait,” Tom sat up. “There’s a crime syndicate in this town?”

“What did you think caused all the trouble in town?!!” Sally shouted at Tom. Tom replied by silently pointing at himself. “Besides you.” She said through her teeth. He then pointed to a picture of Vince. “And him,” Sally replied. Tom then pointed to a picture of Mayor McDonut that was in the house for some reason. “…And him…” Sally’s face was beginning to turn crimson from the rage building up inside…

“We need to save Lettie, girls and man-child,” The critter began to walk back and forth on the coffee table while laying out a battle plan. “Here is my idea; We managed to capture one of the crooks. From what I can gather, this guy’s higher up on the chain than the other guys, so Callie will be the good cop, and Tom- “

The critter turned to Tommy and found him asleep again. “God damn motherfucking snuffle berries…” Critter looked at Sally. “Kick him in the balls, please.”

“Why me?!”

“Because I can’t, on account of my stubby legs.” Motioning with his forepaw, Critter commanded, “Now please…”

Sally groaned and, with the force of a seasoned Football punter, kicked Tommy so hard in the balls that the force sent him up in the air a few inches. Tommy let out a shriek of pain so tiny and insignificant the girls thought he had become she in that moment.

“OWWWW!!!” Tom cried once his voice recovered. “I was just resting my eyes, you deviant lil fluff!!”

“Watch who you call a fluff, lil boy,” Critter seethed, his eyes narrowing into a cute glare. “Them’s fighting words where I’m from.”

“Okay, okay,” Tom said, getting up stiffly. “Now, who have you got and where…?”

Part 2: An awkward interrogation

And hours later, Callie and Sally were grilling the mid-level criminal for information. “Listen Claude,” Callie said, in full good cop mode. “We know you’re not the big cheese. You are just a cog in the cheese-making machine. If you give up your boss, we’ll make sure you’re rolling in- “

“You make one more cheese pun and I will kill you all myself,” Lil Cheese warned them. “And if you think two lil girls in Sailor Moon cosplay are gonna intimidate me, you got…”

Just then, Tommy barged in. “Hey Sally, you gotta stop shaving your legs and leaving the hair in the toilet. Critter took a dump and now it looks like a rat died in there!”

Sally and Callie’s faces were strawberry red with rage. Lil Cheese didn’t notice because he was fixated on something else. “Oh my god, what the fuck is that grown man wearing?”

“DAMMIT, Tommy!” Sally screamed. “I’m gonna shove my whole leg up your ass!!”

“Sally, no!” Callie held Sally back as she spoke. “He isn’t worth it!”

“Are those… booty shorts?!” Lil Cheese asked to no one who was listening.

“Hey pal,” Tom said to Lil Cheese as he struck a pose. “Don’t hate me for looking good.”

“You don’t look good!” Lil Cheese exclaimed. “You look like a poofter! And you have love handles!! No one looks good with love handles!”

Then, Sally had a devious idea. “Callie let’s take a powder and let Tommy get to know our friend…” Callie giggled at the idea. “Good idea Sally; let’s give them a moment…”

As they left Lil Cheese shouted at them, “HEY! Don’t leave me with this freak! If I turn gay, I’m gonna—”

In the middle of his sentence he gave Tommy an errant glance and was immediately treated to the horrifying sight of the man-child bending over… from the rear view. As he tried to choke down his vomit, Tommy stood up and told the girls, “Don’t worry, I got this!” He shot them a thumbs up as they rolled their eyes and closed the door.

It wasn’t until they were out of the room Tommy realized he did not know the first goddamn thing about interrogating a hardened crook. So he did what he did best: he did the dumbest shit he could think of.

“Okay, I am gonna bore you into submission by telling you everything I know about local tax law…” After thinking for twenty seconds he looked at Lil Cheese and told him, “I know absolutely nothing about local tax law. Moving on…!”

Next, he did the worst job of singing half of Journey’s song catalog, complete with dancing that made Lil Cheese uncomfortable. It didn’t help that Tommy’s package would jiggle a bit with every movement.

When Lil Cheese refused to talk after all that, Tommy let loose with a freestyle rap. Even though Tommy’s skills impressed the crook a little, it was not enough to make him talk. So, Tommy did stand up which, to his credit, was a little bit like torture to Lil Cheese.

Then, Lil Cheese made a mistake. When Tommy got close to him, he said “Can you at least get down to face level when you talk to me? Your crotch is horrifying.”

Lil Cheese realized how fucked he was when he saw the mischievous smile cross Tommy’s face. “Oh! So what you’re saying is… THIS BOTHERS YOU??” Tom began to sway his hips back and forth.

“Stop it!” Lil Cheese tried to make himself angry so his blushing cheeks would be construed as rage.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Tommy said teasingly. “AM I TOO MAN FOR YOU?”

“No, no!!” Lil Cheese began to struggle. “Hey girls! Girls!! Lemme outta here!!”

“Hey, hey!” Tommy pointed to his batch and commanded him, “Look at my area!”

“No!”

“LOOK AT IT!”

“No,” Lil Cheese said in a tormented voice. “I don’t wanna!!”

“You will look at it, you hear me!!?” Tommy kicked the chair over and began to hover his batch over Lil Cheese’s face. “You hear me?!”

“Oh god, please don’t—”

“LOOK AT IT!!”

Tommy lowered his batch onto Lil Cheese’s face. As his giant balls got into range of his face, Lil Cheese cried, “NO PLEASE!! I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! PLEASE…!!”

Tommy didn’t hear his begging. In complete monster mode, he shouted, “LOOK AT THEM! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!!!”

Lil Cheese’s screams echoed across the city.

Part 3: Strike!! Save Lettie from the Big Cheese!

Later, Tom relayed the information he somehow got from Lil Cheese. “…And after that he just started crying. It was awful to see.”

“So we heard,” Said Critter, who added “And I thought I was a monster…”

“What?” Callie and Sally asked in creepy unison.

“Never mind that,” Critter pranced over to a hand drawn map. “Here’s the layout of Big Cheese’s lair complete with guard patrol routines.” Looking at Tommy, Critter warily asked “What the hell did you do to get all this…?”

“I tea bagged a man until he cried.”

“…You what?”

“Never mind that,” Tommy told Critter. “I wanna know what we’re gonna do against all these criminals. They look armed.”

“Yeah,” Callie echoed Tommy’s concerns. “I mean, I took self-defense classes, but I don’t think I can out-fight fifteen guys with AR-15s…”

Suddenly, Critter remembered something. “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something…”

“What…?” Asked both magic girls and the magic man-child in another bout of unison.

“You all get powers with the instruments I gave you.” Critter blushed with embarrassment and added, “I forgot to mention in all the crime-busting. Anyway…”

As Critter began explaining their powers to them, Tommy noticed something about his teammates for the first time…

“Why are you two dressed like cheerleaders?” He asked Sally, pointing at her scandalous costume.

“Thanks for noticing,” she said sardonically. “I feel like this was made by a pervert.”

“I’ve noticed a trend with these costumes, and I don’t like it.” Tommy replied, looking at his booty shorts.

“I’m sorry, am I boring everyone?!” Critter frowned at Tommy and Sally. “I mean, I’m just explaining your FUCKING POWERS to you. If you find it boring…”

“Sorry,” Sally blushed.

“Yeah, our bad… weird rat thing.”

Critter glared at Tommy. “You just volunteered to lead the charge asshole.” And then it went about explaining how to activate powers. Turns out, it worked the same way activating the costumes did; just say a few words and use the instrument of power each of them had.

And after that explanation, they went over the plan: Tommy would take point and distract the thugs in front, while Callie snuck in and disabled the electronic alarm. Upon deactivation, the three would stealth their way towards Big Cheese and take him captive, whereupon the other enemies would give up.

“Wait, wait,” Tommy interjected. “Do you not know how a power vacuum works?”

“Now’s not the time for house cleaning tips, Tommy.” Critter replied dismissively.

“You assume I clean my house at all,” Chuckled Tommy. “Seriously, put a black light in my room light and I could blind a nation…”

“Ew,” Callie frowned in disgust. “Why would you be proud of that?”

“It isn’t just that,” Tommy explained. “There’s also blood and urine too!”

“Ugh, please stop.” Sally begged, trying not to retch. Tommy sternly told the girls, “It’s called getting old, girls. And it happens to everyone!”

Just then, a light shone on their position. “Hey, what’s that guy doing up there with those girls?!” A henchman shouted.

“Oh my god, it’s a pedophile!!” Cried another henchman with a flamethrower.

“W-wait!!” Tommy stammered. “I’m not—”

“Please help them, guys!!” Critter called out. “He’s going to rape them!” Critter then looked at the girls and said, “Play along!”

Callie and Sally looked at each other, shrugged, and hugged each other, crying “Help us, please!! Before he rapes us!!!”

It was in that moment, with all the heavily armed men racing up to murder him that he wished he never became a magical man-child. “I should run, right Critter?”

Critter nodded. Tom ran. As the last thugs ran by them, Critter and the girls snuck into the criminal base.

Final act! The Big Cheese and the Magical Ones!

As the girls ran through the compound, Sally remarked, “It’s crazy how empty this place is!”

Upon hearing this, Callie stopped running. “Wait guys!” She called out to the other two…

As they stopped, the doors in the hallway suddenly shut, trapping them. “Hey!! What the hell?!?” Sally cried in shock.

“Well, well,” A mysterious voice chided them from the loudspeakers. “I have visitors today… not that I wanted any…”

“We’re here to put and end to your crime spree, villain!” Callie tried to sound heroic. “You WILL be defeated!!”

“Oh I will, will I?” laughed the voice. “Well then…” the door in front of them opened. “Come, let’s finish this.”

The girls hesitated. “This feels like a trap,” Sally whispered. “Should we go in?”

“No way but forward,” Critter told them. “May as well.” And with that, the three moved intrepidly through the door.

Meanwhile, Tommy had finally gotten himself cornered by the Big Cheese’s army. “I’m gonna enjoy kicking your creepy ass all over this alley!” Jeered a thug holding a baseball bat.

“Yeah,” Said a second. “No one creeps on magical girls without the boss’s approval!”

Bat Thug gave his partner in crime a quizzical look. “Wait a minute, what do you mean ‘magical girls’?”

“And when was the boss okay with creeping?” Another spoke from the mob.

“Well y’see,” #2 explained. “I do the books and human trafficking is a small part of the business…”

“Wait, what?!” Bat Thug’s jaw dropped at the news. “We deal in people?!? Since when?”

“Boss took over that business when we took the Toon’s turf. It isn’t—”

“I brought my daughter to the job!!” Bat Thug became incensed. “I told her we wasn’t doing none of that… but we ARE?!”

“…Yes?”

Dropping his bat, the man once known as Bat Thug ran off, shouting “This crime syndicate sucks!! I’m going straight!” a dozen of the crooks left with him.

“Wow,” Tommy remarked to the smaller crowd. “I guess even brutal thugs have morals from time to time…” It wasn’t until after he spoke that he realized he should have been looking for a way out, for now the attention was back on him.

“Some do,” #2 told him. “We don’t. Anyway, time to die…”

As the mob closed in on him, Tommy’s mind raced back to the moment outside the compound, and Critter explaining what he had to do to activate his powers…

“When you’re in a pinch, wave your magical instrument over your head and say, “Magnum Opera!” That’ll make a…” Tommy’s mind wandered back to the present where one thug had him in a full nelson, while another was winding up with a crowbar.

“Uhm… anyone want to hear a tune??” Tommy cried in a panicked state.

The thugs looked at each other. “Nah, we got other plans…” Crowbar wound up again…

Tommy knew he was in trouble. If I don’t think of something they’re gonna kill me! He thought. There may not be enough of me to bury…

It was with that thought that Tommy let out the smelliest, nastiest fart of his life. It was so bad it even made him tear up a little. As for the thugs…

“M-my eyes… g-g-guys my eyes!!I can’t see… I CAN’T SEE!!!” Nelson thug let go of Tommy and began to wander about, hands reaching out for something tangible.

“Oh my god!” Crowbar gasped. “He turned Nelson blind with a fart!”

“You think that’s his power…?”

“No, that was just fear…” Tommy then reached into his coat pocket, pulled out his conductor’s baton and announced, “This is my power, though!!” And with a wave of his baton…

…nothing.

“Er… that was nice, I guess.” Crowbar said with a shrug. “Welp, get ‘em guys…”

Thinking quick, Tommy waved the baton again and shouted, “MAGNUM OPERA!!” and not a second later, he got sucker-punched by a thug with knuckles.

“It was YOU?!” Callie exclaimed in shock. Neither she not Sally could believe their eyes; The head of the crime syndicate that had been doing crime syndicate things, the so-called “Big Cheese” … was Lettie.

“Don’t feel bad, girls. I’d be surprised too, in your positions.” Lettie stood up, her magical outfit now resembling something more sinister. Where there had been frills there were now spikes, and instead of ribbons there were bat wings. She looked like a fighting game character inspired by KISS.

“But… we were sent to save you,” Sally was in shock, a tear rolling down her face. “We trusted you. You’re scum, and we trusted you!!”

“I’m the one who should feel betrayed!!” Lettie seethed. “I was the one who found the book! I translated the rites! ISHOULD BE THE ONE WITH THE POWER!!” Lettie was so mad with rage she began to tear at her hair. “But no, you two had to follow me! You are ALL such fakes!!” She took out her magic guitar pick, holding it at the ready. “Once I kill you and that fat loser, I will drain the magic from your lifeless bodies, and I WILL BE THE STRONGEST ONE!!!”

“She’s gonna strike, girls!!” Critter cried, running out of the way. “Ready your instruments!!”

Lettie struck first. As if striking a chord on a guitar, the Anti-Magic Girl shouted, “METAL HELL-SCREAM!!!” and unleashed a shrill magic riff that tore a path towards Sally. Sally tried to maneuver away, but it seemed to track her around the room.

Before she knew it, she had bumped into Lettie, who responded by sweeping her off her feet with a leg sweep. “Give my regards to the dark Madam, Sally!” Gloated the cold villainess. The Scream tore its way to the Sally, as she watched helplessly…

“RINGING FREEDOM!!” Callie’s instrument rang out, sending vibrations out that nullified the destructive power of the Scream, until the only damage it did was to the floor.

Once the danger seemed past, she ran to Sally. “Are you okay?” Before Sally could answer, a shot rang out! Callie’s eyes widened with shock. She opened her mouth, trying to say something, but all she could utter was a faint, “…Sally…” before slumping forward into her magical compatriot’s arms, a bullet hole in her back.

“Oh sorry Cal,” Lettie chided her mortally wounded former friend, a smoking Derringer in her right hand. “Did I forget to mention I’m packing?” She laughed mockingly, as Sally’s eyes filled with tears of rage. “You bitch…” Was all the last Magical Girl could bring herself to say in that moment.

“Sally, WATCH OUT!!” Critter shouted. “She’s reloading!”

Lettie lowered her sights on Sally, aiming for her forehead. “Who needs magic when fucking guns exist, anyway…” A sadistic smile crossed her lips…

“MAGNUM OPERA!!!” Suddenly, a wave of musical notes flew out of nowhere, riddling Lettie’s body like a round from a firing squad. The Anti-Magic Girl screamed in surprise and pain, her body crashing through the window and falling, landing on a window cleaning platform. Man-Child Tommy’s entrance surprised everyone as much as Lettie falling onto that platform surprised the window cleaner.

“WOW!! These powers fucking rock!” Tommy did a victory dance, oblivious to the fact that one of the girls had a bloody bullet wound in her back and the other was looking out the window with a thousand-yard stare. When he finally noticed Sally he looked where she was looking, asking “Is… is the bad guy coming back?”

“Critter facepawed. “Tommy, I hate you for existing. Walking up to the two he added, “Why did it have to be you?”

“I’m awesome, that’s why?” Tommy looked at Callie and Sally, then to Critter. “I should call the authorities now.”

“You should call the authorities now,” Critter nodded in agreement.

Three hours later, Tommy was Tom again, back at the house telling Vince what happened. “…So Callie is still in triage last I checked, and Sally retired.” Looking up wistfully, he added, “Guess I’m the boss of the gang now…”

Vince had a look of utter incomprehension on his face. “So this magical demon monster had you fighting a crime syndicate? Also, why would magical girls have a gang? And how did you get to the final battle so quick?!” Feeling suddenly light-headed, Vince sat down on the couch. “I’m so confused…”

“The only thing I wanna know is, what happened to all the thugs I didn’t kill? I’m sure there were still some who survived…”

“What’s gonna happen to the evil one by the way?”

“Critter’s handling it.” Tom replied, then sat on the couch and turned on the tv. “Now if no one minds, I got some Shrek movies to watch…”

Epilogue

It was midnight in the wheat field, and Crowbar thug had traded his crowbar for a shovel. He had just finished digging the grave when the limo pulled up. “Finally,” He sighed. Looking behind him, he announced, “Boss, they’re here.”

Two other thugs exited the limo and promptly opened the trunk. It was dark, so all Crowbar could hear were the sounds of struggle mixed with muffled screaming. Eventually, the other two came into the light, dragging a bound body with them. The body was small and lithe, with a potato sack covering their head. Plopping her unceremoniously before the grave, they removed the sack. Lettie’s eyes glared at Crowbar once it was removed. The glare turned fearful when the new boss walked into view.

“Take the gag off,” Critter commanded. “We need to talk.” Once the gag was off, Critter began to monologue.

“I’m not angry at you, you know… just disappointed.” Critter began to pace. “When I gave you this power, it was for the plan. You knew what was expected of you more than the other girls, to say nothing of that fool who blundered in. You had to take a side. Our side. Instead, you sided with Him.” He stopped pacing and looked Lettie in the eyes. “You made me mad. Worse, you made Polly mad.”

Lettie spoke. “He will hear about this. You think he doesn’t—”

Critter went into a rage, transforming from a cute little thing to a large, toothy monstrosity. “WHO CARES IF HE DOES?!? WHAT GOOD IS AN ARCH-DEMON WHO…” Pausing to regain its composure, Critter quickly reverted to his cute form. “He’s on his way out. And with only…the man-child left; Polly has given new instructions on how things have to be.”

One of the Limo thugs approached Lettie from behind, a loaded shotgun in his hands. “Crittorim, PLEASE!!!” Lettie begged. “I can still be useful—don’t do this!”

Critter scoffed incredulously. “You have a new use now. Bye, Lettie…” As it walked away, Lettie cried after it. “Crittorim!! Please, Critter, NOO—” Lettie’s pleas were cut short with the bang of a shotgun. As Crowbar began filling the grave, Critter approached a mirror. The image of the mirror warped to reveal a massive, shadowy figure. “Is it done?” The Image asked.

“Yes. Unfortunate she lost the faith.” Critter lamented. “She would have been a powerful soldier.”

“Don’t fret over that waste,” Replied the Image. “We still have Tommy.” The Image vanished from the mirror, and in its place was the reflection of Tom, sitting at the edge of the sofa with a dazed look on his face. “He may be a longshot, but even a fool has his uses… wouldn’t you agree, Crittorim?”

Critter’s eyes glistened with hideous glee. “I agree. I shall watch and train him. Till next time… Apollyon.” And with that, the mirror went blank.

The End…?