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The Misadventures of Tom and Vince: Chapter 1

A story I wrote a while ago. Hope everyone enjoys it!

WARNING: CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOR

Episode 1: Death is a Chick

Tom sat on the porch of his house and lit up some marijuana.  He didn’t care that the neighbors’ kids were watching.  He didn’t even care about the cops that drove by, glaring at him as he smoked away.  He knew they couldn’t arrest him, for he had a secret weapon against things like that; he was a main character in a program called ‘the Show’.  He didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’, but he knew he was the main character.  And the first rule of being a main character is main characters don’t die like punks.  The second rule is they also didn’t get arrested, or anything like that, unless it was part of their story to be so.

Knowing these rules meant that Tom could run around in a minefield, kick tigers in the junk, and tell pissed-off looking bikers that he had intimate sex with their mothers, and escape with no injury.  The only ones who did get hurt or die were the lesser characters, which he lovingly called ‘the cannon fodder’.  He did pity them; how could you not pity someone whose only purpose was to die, often horribly, for the amusement of the cold, cruel, and careless viewer?  Sometimes the pity got him down.  But that was what the weed was for.

Just then, he heard a voice coming from inside the house.  It was Vince, the other main character.  Tom didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’ either.  His best guess was the viewer wanted someone who would get up in his shit and play the straight man to his… whatever. 

“Hey Tom!!” He cried.  “Come see this book I got in the mail yesterday!”

Tom replied, “Can I smoke in the house?”  Vince’s answer was a resounding, “Only if I get a puff!”  Tom put out the joint and went in.

“Okay,” He said as he entered, “What did you get in the mail?”

“I don’t know,” Vince answered back.  “I got it from a book club.  It came instead of my Hellboy graphic novel.”

Tom grabbed the book and read the title aloud.  “The Dominus Incantus: Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.”  He then proceeded to flip through the book, looking at the pictures.  “Demon summoning, angel summoning, monsters, elder gods… this is a magic book!!”

“This is so cool!”  Vince said, jumping for joy.  “What should we summon first?”

Tom flipped to the first page of the book.  “Wait, there’s a warning,” He then proceeded to read aloud: “Warning!  All ye who read this; this is a forbidden tome, blah, blah, blah… could cause madness and damnation, blah, blah… burn upon finding, blahbiddy, blahbiddy bloo.”

Tom and Vince stared at each other for a while, letting the words sink in.  Once they had, Vince declared, “Lets summon some succubae and throw a party!”

“Sweet!!” Said Tom in agreement.  “Let’s see what we’ve got in succubae…”

Three minutes later, Vince got impatient.  “Well?  Where the demon hoes at?!”

“There are seventeen pages of demon hoes, I just want to find the right ones.”

“What right ones?”  Vince declared.

“Well,” Tom said, backtracking a few pages.  “There are ones that eat your soul, ones that eat your flesh, ones that turn you inside out while you’re still alive…”

“Any that do anal?”

“Not yet,” Tom replied, and then stopped on a page.  “Well hello, gorgeous…”

“What? Let me see!!”

Tom showed him a picture of an albino woman with huge bosoms, a figure curvy enough to base a racetrack around, and very little clothing.  The caption underneath her read, “Madame Mort`e”

“Let’s summon this one first!” Tom said, unable to keep from drooling.

An hour later, they had the living room set up with candles, black lighting, and a summoning circle on the floor in salt. For added measure they had black metal ready to play on a nearby stereo.  Tom looked up at Vince and asked, “Ready to bust a nut on otherworldly bitches?”

“Aw, yes!”

They began the ritual.  “Oh, demons and gods of old!” Vince cried aloud, throwing his arms up.  “I call upon thee to summon forth your agent of death, so that she may do our bidding!”  The sky then grew dark outside.  A wind kicked up, and it started to thunder violently.

“Upon my chant, release this being from the ether of hell!!  Release… release… RELEASE!!!!!”

And… nothing.  The darkness went away, and birds started singing.  Tom looked around and said, “Now I got blue balls…”

“I don’t understand,” Vince said, going through the book.  “I said everything the ritual told me to say…”

“Maybe she thinks she’s too good for us,” Tom cursed, adding, “Stuck up bitch,” As he kicked a candle into the circle.

Then, the candle lit the salt in the middle of the summoning circle; the flame coursing around, filling the design, and the room was consumed in a bright flash!  When the light subsided, there stood, in front of their eyes, the visage of Death herself, Madame Mort’e.

“At last!!” She cried, drawing her sword.  “I have been freed from the land of hellfire to cleanse this world as I see fit!  I shall lay this tawdry Earth to waste!  Let my reign be drenched in-“

“Uh-huh,” Vince interrupted her.  “That’s nice.  Say, do you put out?”

The sexy reaper looked at him incredulously.  “Put what out?  Can’t you see I’m talking here?”

“Sorry, please continue.”

“Thank you,” Mort`e then looked at Tom; he was in a trance, a dumb-looking smile on his face.  She pointed him out and asked, “Is he okay?”

“He hasn’t been okay since puberty,” Vince replied.

“I see,” She answered, adding, “You’d think he’d never seen a Death Goddess before,” Under her breath.

Then she continued.  “Let my reign be drenched with blood for a thousand years!  May all the lowly creatures…” She trailed off, unable to cope with Tom staring right at her ample bosoms.  “I’m sorry, but can you make him stop that?  Its really distracting.”

“You’re the one who’s going to lay the tawdry Earth to waste,” Vince answered.  “Why don’t you find a way?”

After giving Vince a look that said, ‘I’m not amused’, then proceeded to stick a knife in Tom’s gut.  That move worked many times before, when men knew enough to be afraid of her and she was worshipped as the goddess of death she was.  Unfortunately, she was not in times before, and the knife to the gut didn’t even make Tom blink.  “Well, I’m out of ideas,” She responded, throwing her hands up.

“Don’t worry, Morty,” Vince said, taking her hand.  “Many women have gone through this before you, and I know exactly what to do.” All Mort`e could do was follow him, asking “Who’s Morty?”  With nary a word, Vince took the sexy and barely clothed visage of doom to the local clothing store, where, after a one-hundred fifty-dollar purchase and a change later, the terrible tyrant of the middle realms of Hell discovered a new sensation…

“Huh,” She said in awe, looking at herself in the mirror.  “So, THIS is what its like to wear clothes…”

“How does it feel?”  Vince asked her.

“Warm.  Very warm.” Was the reply.

She then looked at Tom; he was still in his trance.  “Amazing… he hasn’t moved since I arrived on this unworthy plane of existence…”

“Yeah,” Vince responded.  “It doesn’t fully work until you do this,” And he slapped Tom in the face so hard, even the dread one herself felt it.

Tom instantly came to life.  “WHO THE HELL DID THAT?!  WHERE AM I??  WHY IS THERE A KNIFE IN MY GUT?  I WANT ANSWERS, AND I WANT THEM NOW, YOU HEAR ME??!  RIGHT NOW!!”

“Good to have you back, Tom,” Vince said nonchalantly.  “Now say hello to our guest…” He motioned to Madame Mort`e.

Tom shook her hand and said, “I totally saw a nipple slip when you were in your other clothes…”

The Madame simply smiled and said, “Touch me again and I will destroy you.” She then looked at the two and asked, “So, what am I here for?”

Tom and Vince looked at each other.  “I almost forgot why we summoned her here for…” Tom said, remembering as he spoke.

“And what DID you summon me for?” She said impatiently.  Upon telling her the reason she gave a laborious sigh.  “Just like the nerd who ran the book club.  Dammit!”

“What?” Vince asked, confused.  “What did the nerd from the book club want to do?”

“Basically sex.” She smiled and added, “I did the whole ‘How dare you even try, foolish mortal’ thing… made him wet himself.”

Tom asked, “So let me get this straight… you don’t do sex?  Then why do you dress like… you know…” Madame Mort`e became defensive.  “Like what?”

Tom shrugged.  “Well, with the sling thing and thigh-high boots, I thought you liked to… you know…”

“He’s saying you’re a whore!”  Vince exclaimed, tired of Tom dancing around the subject.

Then Mort`e became insulted.  “Now listen here!” She exclaimed.  “Just because I dress like I do, does not make me a whore!  I am the physical embodiment of death itself!!”

“Okay,” Said Tom.  “But you still look like-

“I AM THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF DEATH ITSELF!!!!” She shrieked, scaring the crap out of the neighbor’s dog, which ran out of the yard and into the path of a truck.

Upon hearing the splat, followed by the sound of the neighbor kids crying, the physical embodiment of Death itself threw her arms up and said, “Now look what you’ve done!”

“What we did?!” Tom said incredulously.

“No, what you did,” Corrected Vince.

 Covering Tom’s mouth with her hand, Mort`e picked up her sword and said with a sneer, “Stay here,” Then went outside to claim the dog’s soul.

Once she was out the door, Tom looked at Vince and said very excitedly, “She touched me!  She touched me!”

“Now if only we could persuade her to have touch our thingies…” Vince thought out loud.  But before they could say more, she was back inside.  “Now,” She told them in a business-like tone.  “Here are the ground rules of summoning!  Rule one: You can’t make the summonee- that’s me- do things to you on purpose!”

“So… no sex?!” Tom asked, disappointedly.

“No sex,” She lied, taking pleasure in their groans of disappointment.  “Also, my time in this realm is limited by about five hours, so we’d better get along with the show.”

Tom and Vince looked at each other.  “So, what else is off limits?” Vince asked her. 

“As long as it’s not sexual, anything is par for the course.” The Lady replied.

Tom snapped his fingers.  “I GOT IT!!” He exclaimed.  “Come with me, Morty!” He took her by the arm and led her away. “Damn it, my name isn’t Morty!” She cried.

Before she knew it, she was standing in a dressing room.  “Why do you have this in your house?!” She said in bewilderment.

“Came with the place,” Tom answered, rummaging through a box of props.

Madame Mort`e looked at the costumes around her.  “If you think I’m going to dress up as a Martian princess, or a slave girl or something perverted like that, you’ve-

Tom produced a bowler cap.  “Put this on your head!” 

For the first time in centuries, Mort`e was dumbfounded.  “…Huh?”

“On your head!” Tom repeated.  “We only have four hours, thirty-five minutes!  Come on!”  She hastily did as told.

Then Tom produced a brown suit and vest.  “Now these!”  And she put those on as well.

“Now this false mustache!” 

“Now wait just a minute…” Mort’e began.

“We don’t have a minute!!” Tom argued.  “Just put on the ‘stache and let me call you Teddy!!”

With a facepalm and a sigh of resignation, she said, “Whatever,” As she put the mustache on.  “Now what?”

“Hey Teddy!” Tom said aloud.  “You won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”

The Death Goddess cocked an eyebrow.  “…I’m sorry…?”

“You’re supposed to say, ‘what kind of strumpet is she’?”  Tom chided her.  “Now I’ll have to start again!”  Tom cleared his throat and said, “Hey Teddy, you won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”

She sighed a big sigh and replied, “What kind of strumpet is she?” in a flat monotone.

“You should have seen her!  She had thighs like a purebred horse!  A belly flat enough to cook eggs on, and not bad in the other places, either!”  Tom then let out a strange laugh: “HOO-HOO-HOO!!”

Mort`e looked at Vince and said, “Can I go back to hell now?”

Vince looked at Tom and said, “I think she’s had enough of your shenanigans, Tom.”

Tom moaned in disappointment.  “But I was about to tap dance!”

“Too bad.”  Vince then added under his breath, “Last thing she needs to see is your shitty tap dancing, anyway…”

Three minutes later, they were back in the living room.  “What’s next on this disturbing tour of your respective psyches?” The harbinger of oblivion asked sarcastically.

Vince pointed to the gaming system on the floor.  “I challenge you to Halo!” He announced.

The Madame laughed and shrugged nonchalantly.  “Prepare to be served,” She said, adding, “N00b.” as she sat down in front of the TV.

“Oh, we’ll see who the n00b is,” Vince retorted. 

“I call the green controller!” Tom cried, sandwiching himself between the two.

As it turns out, Lady Death was very good at Halo.  “Damn,” Vince said in gamer awe.  “You just wasted Tom again!  How many hours do you play?”

“Well, time is irrelevant in the afterlife, so I usually play until I get called upon to do my evil bidding.  Or until I’m bored, which ever happens first.”

Tom was neither amused nor awed by her gaming skills; mostly he was upset at losing so bad.  “Fuck’s sake, what do I have to do to get a killstreak going?!”

“Have you tried not sucking?” She replied.  “I mean, come on, do you even game, bro?”

With that, Tom threw down the controller and said, “That’s it!  Screw you guys, I’m going to go upstairs.”

“Wait, you’re forgetting something!” Mort`e called out.

“…What?”

Then, an explosion was heard from the TV.  “Plasma bomb, bitch.” She ended with a smile.  Tom went upstairs and spent the next thirty minutes moping.

Finally, the fifth hour had come, and Tom and Vince gathered to give their new friend and unwilling co-star a proper farewell.  “I must admit, this was fun,” Madame Mort`e said with a smile.  “The clothes shopping, the gaming, and that otherworldly invasion that we fought off together during the commercial break!”

“Yeah,” Tom interjected. “That was an awesome fight.  Got to kick a monster in the balls…”

“Anyway,” Mort`e interrupted the interruption.  “I have to go back to hell now, but I was wondering if I could stop by every now and then…”

Tom and Vince looked at each other.  “How does that work?” Vince finally asked.

“I’ll need the book.”

“Crap,” Tom said, before handing it over.  “I should warn you, the pages that have succubae are kind of… sticky.”

The Lady stopped cold.  “…You didn’t get spunk on them, did you?”

“Maple syrup, actually. Made the mistake of having pancakes after the invasion we didn’t bother to talk about. Why?”  But even as Tom asked, the pages began to glow, and suddenly there was a flash of light.  When the light faded, there before them was a swarm of succubae, all armed to the teeth and wearing enough fabric between them to cover one person.  “Well, well, Madame Mort`e,” A red one said with a hiss.  “You thought you could keep the Earth to yourself?  Well, now that we are all free, we shall-

“Excuse me,” Said a blue succubus.  “I don’t mean to be rude but…”

“What is it, Evangeline?” The red one asked, rolling her eyes.

Then, a handful of the succubae pointed at Tom and asked, “WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?!?”

Vince and Mort`e looked at Tom; sure enough, he was in the state again.  They both face palmed themselves.  “Fuck’s sake, Tom…!” Vince cursed, before waving his arms and saying, “Follow me, ladies!  I know what to do!”

As they went behind Vince, the red one asked, “Where are we going?”

“To max out my credit card,” Came Vince’s bitter reply.

“Are we going to kill anything on the way?” Responded the blue one. Vince answered, “Only if they don’t take Mastercard…”

The End

Featured

My First Blog Post

The Hub is ON LINE

The Hub of CreatiV is online!!

WELCOME ALL! I am the Master of the Hub, Dusty_PlZ, and this is Studio CreatiV!

Here, I will post stories, poems, and the occasional bit of personal news. Be sure to check in from time to time to see what is new! This whole experience is new to me, so bear with me, as I don’t really know what I’m doing (*embarassed LOL*!)

Now, onward!!!

On writing Eastern style fiction…

Been thinking about getting back into writing fantasy style stories again. Now, we ALL have to admit that Western fantasy has been done.

I think I may try to branch out and make a story with characters and creatures based on Eastern fantasy, while avoiding Japanese folklore. Which has ALSO been done.

So, after I finally finish the next Tom and Vince story (Haven’t forgotten, don’t worry!) my next project will be a fantasy story based on folklore of mainland China. If anyone has any folklore/fantasy stories or websites I should check out, let me know.

Till next time!

TnV Story pt. 3

(AM I overdoing it politically…?)

Despite my struggle with writer’s fatigue, I have been plugging away with my writing on the next Tom and Vince story. I am a bit worried about one of the themes.

SPOILERS AHEAD…

The main focus of the story is that Tom and Vince get roped into hunting a bunch of demons in human form. These demons turn out to be various American political figures in the broadest of their stereotype (Biden is a perv, Trump wears a fake Hitler mustache, Obama has a poisonous silver tongue, etc.) Point is, am I overdoing the political theme??

I feel like politics has taken over too much of my creativity, and I need to rethink the theme of the story. Feels like I’m overdoing this…

If any of you care enough, let me know in the comments what you think. Till Next time!

My first attempt at a doodle. What do you think?

Been in a Funk, Please Forgive

I know I should be working on that TnV story I promised two months ago. I apologize for the wait, guys and gals.

The main reason for the wait is, unfortunately, personal. I don’t know why, but I haven’t been able to write a sentence for weeks. It’s beyond writer’s block; it’s the stress of going through this cursed year turning into mental lethargy. I used to write and cook, now I don’t have the will to really do either!!

I’m really sorry about my little mental episode… my birthday is next month so hopefully that will make me happy enough to get through this…

Till next time, everybody…

*long beleaguered sigh*

They’re cutting my hours at work. They’re only working me weekends for the short term, which means less money and more free time. I can write some more at least…

I also been worrying a lot about the future. My country (America for those who don’t know) is doomed for the next four to eight years thanks to our “leaders” (who are more intent on raiding our coffers than they are with actually leading) not wanting to address the problems facing the world as a whole. All in all a shit year.

Well, once more into the breach. Till next time!!

Economic Holocaust!!!

(Or why I need money NOW!)

Oh my gosh, what two days can wreak!! Where do I even start?! Well, my banking was hacked and some asshat spent $1,500 (that I DEFINITELY did not have!!) and I can’t do anything about it until Monday. And, while that specter is hanging over my head, I get a visit from the Hospital Billing Fairy, who promptly pulled down his drawers and “gifted” me with a bill from the ER for over $2,000.

OH, FUN!!!

What I am saying from all of this is, I need money. And since my part-time job isn’t cutting it (if indeed it ever could in an American economy) the only way I will be able to find a way to get outta this hole that has been dug for me is to get some writing gigs. It doesn’t have to be focused on prose, either- Maybe you want me to make an invitation to something, or a short poem to commemorate an occasion.

If anyone is interested, please notify me in the comment section. Oh, and before I forget, the comic I made in the GO Southeast! collaboration is going to be on Comixology in a few days! Till next time!

Work, work, work…

Still plugging away on the new Tom ‘N’ Vince story. Have a bunch of other projects on hand that I’m working on. Starting a comic script and a few lore projects on top of my story.

The lore stuff is more for my sake than anything else- I wanna put down some core facts that have been rattling around before I get too old to remember them! Aging is such tragedy…

I have been getting poorly paid at my part-time job. My total pay for last week is less than $20!! I feel CRIMINALLY underpaid for a job that’s supposed to pay $9.50/hour and if it continues I may just have to look for extra sources of income…

Sorry for the rant everybody. Gonna sign off now. Till next time!

Sneak peek of the next Tom and Vince Chapter

This chapter will have some rather… timely humor. Also, swearing, sexual humor and profanity. Reader beware.

Tom and Vince were sitting at the lunch table eating some chicken fried pizza when Vince asked, “You hear how fucked up American politics is?”

“JESUS, Vince!!” Tom cried out after swallowing his last mouthful. “Please, I’m eating here!!”

“Sorry, Tom. By the way, you were talking about something?”

“Oh, right.” Tom continued his story that began before the start of the episode. “Anyway, I was fuckin this cougar up the ass, and I was really enjoying it until I took my dick out of her cum-stained asshole… and she shits on my dick!

Immediately regretting the conversation, Vince bemoaned, “Oh, I’m so glad talking American politics is looked down upon…”

Oblivious, Tom continued. “I mean, I finished by then, but what the fuck?! What self-respecting GILF shits after an anal pounding? So unprofessional, I fought the urge to slap her crying grandchildren…”

Suddenly, there was a spontaneous burst of hellfire, followed by the reek of brimstone. Once the fire had dissipated Satan stood before them, looking unusually panicked. “Oh shit, guys did you see any runaway demons around?!

Our ‘heroes’ looked at each other stupefied and answered, “No…”

“Oh,” Then the lord of darkness noticed the food. “Ooh, chicken fried pizza! Can I have some?” And without waiting for an answer, Satan grabbed a slice and went to chow town. “You know,” He said in between bites. “Chicken fried pizza is probably the second most evil thing I ever did.”

“What was the first?” Asked Tom.

“The Reagan administration.” Satan leaned in and whispered. “He wasn’t the one making the decisions, y’know…”

And so, they ate. Once their meal (which could probably kill a man if he ate the whole thing by himself) was finished, Satan decided to go back to his dominion. “Gotta go,” He said, giving a wave. “Thanks for the meal.” He went to go then turned around and said, “Oh by the way, several really scary demons have escaped from Hell under the disguise of mortals and are around the neighborhood. Have fun with that.” And with that he left.

With that distraction gone, Tom went about putting the dishes in the sink so he could forget about them so Vince would have to wash them LIKE HE ALWAYS FUCKING HAS TO when partway through he suddenly thought of something. “Hey Vince, did he say something about demons escaping or whatever?”

“Dunno,” Was the immediate reply.

Just then, Madam Morte (known as ‘Morty’ to the Duo) appeared through yet another portal and asked, “Did you see any- “

“Oh, right!” Vince said, interrupting the goddess of death. “He did say something about several demons escaping from hell and taking residence on the Show!!”

“Dang,” Tom replied. “Someone ought to do something about that.”

“Yeah,” Morty added sarcastically. “You should.”

“We really should!” Tom jumped out of his chair, not realizing who said what. “Come on, Vince!! We got demon slayin’ to do…”

Then, both Tom and Vince reached into their pockets and drew out different weapons from… somewhere; Tom drew out a katana and a .45 Desert Eagle pistol with comfort grip. Vince drew out a machete and a double-barreled shotgun.

Tom looked at Vince’s weapons and asked, “Nice shotgun. Where’d you get it?”

“From my left pocket. Duh…

“I don’t care how you pulled those things out your asses,” Morty shouted. “Get out there and be all the protagonist you can be!!”

Tom pumped his fist. “Let’s kick some fucking ass!!!”

YEAH!!!” Vince raised his shotgun to the air, making sure not to set it off and damage their home. And so… they sat on the TV and binged Avatar the Last Airbender on Netflix.

Hope this tides you guys over. I appreciate you all!

Till next time!

Ouchies…

Got hurt again. Tripped and fell at work last Saturday. Thought I was alright so I didn’t file an incident report and boy, was that a mistake!!

Since then I have felt stiff, with pain in my ribs on the right side. Hurts to get up, hurts more to bend. Its strange cause when I fell I landed on my left side.

Going in for an emergency X-ray this afternoon. Hopefully nothing is broken… till next time.