Here it is, one day early!
…Gotta work on part 2 now. Till next time!
Here it is, one day early!
…Gotta work on part 2 now. Till next time!
WARNING: CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOR
Episode 1: Death is a Chick
Tom sat on the porch of his house and lit up some marijuana. He didn’t care that the neighbors’ kids were watching. He didn’t even care about the cops that drove by, glaring at him as he smoked away. He knew they couldn’t arrest him, for he had a secret weapon against things like that; he was a main character in a program called ‘the Show’. He didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’, but he knew he was the main character. And the first rule of being a main character is main characters don’t die like punks. The second rule is they also didn’t get arrested, or anything like that, unless it was part of their story to be so.
Knowing these rules meant that Tom could run around in a minefield, kick tigers in the junk, and tell pissed-off looking bikers that he had intimate sex with their mothers, and escape with no injury. The only ones who did get hurt or die were the lesser characters, which he lovingly called ‘the cannon fodder’. He did pity them; how could you not pity someone whose only purpose was to die, often horribly, for the amusement of the cold, cruel, and careless viewer? Sometimes the pity got him down. But that was what the weed was for.
Just then, he heard a voice coming from inside the house. It was Vince, the other main character. Tom didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’ either. His best guess was the viewer wanted someone who would get up in his shit and play the straight man to his… whatever.
“Hey Tom!!” He cried. “Come see this book I got in the mail yesterday!”
Tom replied, “Can I smoke in the house?” Vince’s answer was a resounding, “Only if I get a puff!” Tom put out the joint and went in.
“Okay,” He said as he entered, “What did you get in the mail?”
“I don’t know,” Vince answered back. “I got it from a book club. It came instead of my Hellboy graphic novel.”
Tom grabbed the book and read the title aloud. “The Dominus Incantus: Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.” He then proceeded to flip through the book, looking at the pictures. “Demon summoning, angel summoning, monsters, elder gods… this is a magic book!!”
“This is so cool!” Vince said, jumping for joy. “What should we summon first?”
Tom flipped to the first page of the book. “Wait, there’s a warning,” He then proceeded to read aloud: “Warning! All ye who read this; this is a forbidden tome, blah, blah, blah… could cause madness and damnation, blah, blah… burn upon finding, blahbiddy, blahbiddy bloo.”
Tom and Vince stared at each other for a while, letting the words sink in. Once they had, Vince declared, “Lets summon some succubae and throw a party!”
“Sweet!!” Said Tom in agreement. “Let’s see what we’ve got in succubae…”
Three minutes later, Vince got impatient. “Well? Where the demon hoes at?!”
“There are seventeen pages of demon hoes, I just want to find the right ones.”
“What right ones?” Vince declared.
“Well,” Tom said, backtracking a few pages. “There are ones that eat your soul, ones that eat your flesh, ones that turn you inside out while you’re still alive…”
“Any that do anal?”
“Not yet,” Tom replied, and then stopped on a page. “Well hello, gorgeous…”
“What? Let me see!!”
Tom showed him a picture of an albino woman with huge bosoms, a figure curvy enough to base a racetrack around, and very little clothing. The caption underneath her read, “Madame Mort`e”
“Let’s summon this one first!” Tom said, unable to keep from drooling.
An hour later, they had the living room set up with candles, black lighting, and a summoning circle on the floor in salt. For added measure they had black metal ready to play on a nearby stereo. Tom looked up at Vince and asked, “Ready to bust a nut on otherworldly bitches?”
They began the ritual. “Oh, demons and gods of old!” Vince cried aloud, throwing his arms up. “I call upon thee to summon forth your agent of death, so that she may do our bidding!” The sky then grew dark outside. A wind kicked up, and it started to thunder violently.
“Upon my chant, release this being from the ether of hell!! Release… release… RELEASE!!!!!”
And… nothing. The darkness went away, and birds started singing. Tom looked around and said, “Now I got blue balls…”
“I don’t understand,” Vince said, going through the book. “I said everything the ritual told me to say…”
“Maybe she thinks she’s too good for us,” Tom cursed, adding, “Stuck up bitch,” As he kicked a candle into the circle.
Then, the candle lit the salt in the middle of the summoning circle; the flame coursing around, filling the design, and the room was consumed in a bright flash! When the light subsided, there stood, in front of their eyes, the visage of Death herself, Madame Mort’e.
“At last!!” She cried, drawing her sword. “I have been freed from the land of hellfire to cleanse this world as I see fit! I shall lay this tawdry Earth to waste! Let my reign be drenched in-“
“Uh-huh,” Vince interrupted her. “That’s nice. Say, do you put out?”
The sexy reaper looked at him incredulously. “Put what out? Can’t you see I’m talking here?”
“Sorry, please continue.”
“Thank you,” Mort`e then looked at Tom; he was in a trance, a dumb-looking smile on his face. She pointed him out and asked, “Is he okay?”
“He hasn’t been okay since puberty,” Vince replied.
“I see,” She answered, adding, “You’d think he’d never seen a Death Goddess before,” Under her breath.
Then she continued. “Let my reign be drenched with blood for a thousand years! May all the lowly creatures…” She trailed off, unable to cope with Tom staring right at her ample bosoms. “I’m sorry, but can you make him stop that? Its really distracting.”
“You’re the one who’s going to lay the tawdry Earth to waste,” Vince answered. “Why don’t you find a way?”
After giving Vince a look that said, ‘I’m not amused’, then proceeded to stick a knife in Tom’s gut. That move worked many times before, when men knew enough to be afraid of her and she was worshipped as the goddess of death she was. Unfortunately, she was not in times before, and the knife to the gut didn’t even make Tom blink. “Well, I’m out of ideas,” She responded, throwing her hands up.
“Don’t worry, Morty,” Vince said, taking her hand. “Many women have gone through this before you, and I know exactly what to do.” All Mort`e could do was follow him, asking “Who’s Morty?” With nary a word, Vince took the sexy and barely clothed visage of doom to the local clothing store, where, after a one-hundred fifty-dollar purchase and a change later, the terrible tyrant of the middle realms of Hell discovered a new sensation…
“Huh,” She said in awe, looking at herself in the mirror. “So, THIS is what its like to wear clothes…”
“How does it feel?” Vince asked her.
“Warm. Very warm.” Was the reply.
She then looked at Tom; he was still in his trance. “Amazing… he hasn’t moved since I arrived on this unworthy plane of existence…”
“Yeah,” Vince responded. “It doesn’t fully work until you do this,” And he slapped Tom in the face so hard, even the dread one herself felt it.
Tom instantly came to life. “WHO THE HELL DID THAT?! WHERE AM I?? WHY IS THERE A KNIFE IN MY GUT? I WANT ANSWERS, AND I WANT THEM NOW, YOU HEAR ME??! RIGHT NOW!!”
“Good to have you back, Tom,” Vince said nonchalantly. “Now say hello to our guest…” He motioned to Madame Mort`e.
Tom shook her hand and said, “I totally saw a nipple slip when you were in your other clothes…”
The Madame simply smiled and said, “Touch me again and I will destroy you.” She then looked at the two and asked, “So, what am I here for?”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “I almost forgot why we summoned her here for…” Tom said, remembering as he spoke.
“And what DID you summon me for?” She said impatiently. Upon telling her the reason she gave a laborious sigh. “Just like the nerd who ran the book club. Dammit!”
“What?” Vince asked, confused. “What did the nerd from the book club want to do?”
“Basically sex.” She smiled and added, “I did the whole ‘How dare you even try, foolish mortal’ thing… made him wet himself.”
Tom asked, “So let me get this straight… you don’t do sex? Then why do you dress like… you know…” Madame Mort`e became defensive. “Like what?”
Tom shrugged. “Well, with the sling thing and thigh-high boots, I thought you liked to… you know…”
“He’s saying you’re a whore!” Vince exclaimed, tired of Tom dancing around the subject.
Then Mort`e became insulted. “Now listen here!” She exclaimed. “Just because I dress like I do, does not make me a whore! I am the physical embodiment of death itself!!”
“Okay,” Said Tom. “But you still look like-
“I AM THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF DEATH ITSELF!!!!” She shrieked, scaring the crap out of the neighbor’s dog, which ran out of the yard and into the path of a truck.
Upon hearing the splat, followed by the sound of the neighbor kids crying, the physical embodiment of Death itself threw her arms up and said, “Now look what you’ve done!”
“What we did?!” Tom said incredulously.
“No, what you did,” Corrected Vince.
Covering Tom’s mouth with her hand, Mort`e picked up her sword and said with a sneer, “Stay here,” Then went outside to claim the dog’s soul.
Once she was out the door, Tom looked at Vince and said very excitedly, “She touched me! She touched me!”
“Now if only we could persuade her to have touch our thingies…” Vince thought out loud. But before they could say more, she was back inside. “Now,” She told them in a business-like tone. “Here are the ground rules of summoning! Rule one: You can’t make the summonee- that’s me- do things to you on purpose!”
“So… no sex?!” Tom asked, disappointedly.
“No sex,” She lied, taking pleasure in their groans of disappointment. “Also, my time in this realm is limited by about five hours, so we’d better get along with the show.”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “So, what else is off limits?” Vince asked her.
“As long as it’s not sexual, anything is par for the course.” The Lady replied.
Tom snapped his fingers. “I GOT IT!!” He exclaimed. “Come with me, Morty!” He took her by the arm and led her away. “Damn it, my name isn’t Morty!” She cried.
Before she knew it, she was standing in a dressing room. “Why do you have this in your house?!” She said in bewilderment.
“Came with the place,” Tom answered, rummaging through a box of props.
Madame Mort`e looked at the costumes around her. “If you think I’m going to dress up as a Martian princess, or a slave girl or something perverted like that, you’ve-
Tom produced a bowler cap. “Put this on your head!”
For the first time in centuries, Mort`e was dumbfounded. “…Huh?”
“On your head!” Tom repeated. “We only have four hours, thirty-five minutes! Come on!” She hastily did as told.
Then Tom produced a brown suit and vest. “Now these!” And she put those on as well.
“Now this false mustache!”
“Now wait just a minute…” Mort’e began.
“We don’t have a minute!!” Tom argued. “Just put on the ‘stache and let me call you Teddy!!”
With a facepalm and a sigh of resignation, she said, “Whatever,” As she put the mustache on. “Now what?”
“Hey Teddy!” Tom said aloud. “You won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”
The Death Goddess cocked an eyebrow. “…I’m sorry…?”
“You’re supposed to say, ‘what kind of strumpet is she’?” Tom chided her. “Now I’ll have to start again!” Tom cleared his throat and said, “Hey Teddy, you won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”
She sighed a big sigh and replied, “What kind of strumpet is she?” in a flat monotone.
“You should have seen her! She had thighs like a purebred horse! A belly flat enough to cook eggs on, and not bad in the other places, either!” Tom then let out a strange laugh: “HOO-HOO-HOO!!”
Mort`e looked at Vince and said, “Can I go back to hell now?”
Vince looked at Tom and said, “I think she’s had enough of your shenanigans, Tom.”
Tom moaned in disappointment. “But I was about to tap dance!”
“Too bad.” Vince then added under his breath, “Last thing she needs to see is your shitty tap dancing, anyway…”
Three minutes later, they were back in the living room. “What’s next on this disturbing tour of your respective psyches?” The harbinger of oblivion asked sarcastically.
Vince pointed to the gaming system on the floor. “I challenge you to Halo!” He announced.
The Madame laughed and shrugged nonchalantly. “Prepare to be served,” She said, adding, “N00b.” as she sat down in front of the TV.
“Oh, we’ll see who the n00b is,” Vince retorted.
“I call the green controller!” Tom cried, sandwiching himself between the two.
As it turns out, Lady Death was very good at Halo. “Damn,” Vince said in gamer awe. “You just wasted Tom again! How many hours do you play?”
“Well, time is irrelevant in the afterlife, so I usually play until I get called upon to do my evil bidding. Or until I’m bored, which ever happens first.”
Tom was neither amused nor awed by her gaming skills; mostly he was upset at losing so bad. “Fuck’s sake, what do I have to do to get a killstreak going?!”
“Have you tried not sucking?” She replied. “I mean, come on, do you even game, bro?”
With that, Tom threw down the controller and said, “That’s it! Screw you guys, I’m going to go upstairs.”
“Wait, you’re forgetting something!” Mort`e called out.
Then, an explosion was heard from the TV. “Plasma bomb, bitch.” She ended with a smile. Tom went upstairs and spent the next thirty minutes moping.
Finally, the fifth hour had come, and Tom and Vince gathered to give their new friend and unwilling co-star a proper farewell. “I must admit, this was fun,” Madame Mort`e said with a smile. “The clothes shopping, the gaming, and that otherworldly invasion that we fought off together during the commercial break!”
“Yeah,” Tom interjected. “That was an awesome fight. Got to kick a monster in the balls…”
“Anyway,” Mort`e interrupted the interruption. “I have to go back to hell now, but I was wondering if I could stop by every now and then…”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “How does that work?” Vince finally asked.
“I’ll need the book.”
“Crap,” Tom said, before handing it over. “I should warn you, the pages that have succubae are kind of… sticky.”
The Lady stopped cold. “…You didn’t get spunk on them, did you?”
“Maple syrup, actually. Made the mistake of having pancakes after the invasion we didn’t bother to talk about. Why?” But even as Tom asked, the pages began to glow, and suddenly there was a flash of light. When the light faded, there before them was a swarm of succubae, all armed to the teeth and wearing enough fabric between them to cover one person. “Well, well, Madame Mort`e,” A red one said with a hiss. “You thought you could keep the Earth to yourself? Well, now that we are all free, we shall-
“Excuse me,” Said a blue succubus. “I don’t mean to be rude but…”
“What is it, Evangeline?” The red one asked, rolling her eyes.
Then, a handful of the succubae pointed at Tom and asked, “WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?!?”
Vince and Mort`e looked at Tom; sure enough, he was in the state again. They both face palmed themselves. “Fuck’s sake, Tom…!” Vince cursed, before waving his arms and saying, “Follow me, ladies! I know what to do!”
As they went behind Vince, the red one asked, “Where are we going?”
“To max out my credit card,” Came Vince’s bitter reply.
“Are we going to kill anything on the way?” Responded the blue one. Vince answered, “Only if they don’t take Mastercard…”
The Hub of CreatiV is online!!
WELCOME ALL! I am the Master of the Hub, Dusty_PlZ, and this is Studio CreatiV!
Here, I will post stories, poems, and the occasional bit of personal news. Be sure to check in from time to time to see what is new! This whole experience is new to me, so bear with me, as I don’t really know what I’m doing (*embarassed LOL*!)
Hey!!! You there!!
No, not you, you! You like fantasy and adventure? You like sword and sorcery tales, stories of heroes and elves fighting bandits and the forces of evil, delivering sweet head-cleaving justice?!
THEN HAVE I GOT A LINK FOR YOU!!!
Click or copy and past the link above and help the hub of creativity out!
Till Next Time!!
A most mortal wounding
I wish I were stronger
But while I am willing
My body is weak
I feel so useless
By my own body
The fragility of flesh
I am broken
I am weak
I’ve been in so much pain the last week and a half. Feels like my ribs broke somehow (now sure how-maybe my cat is heavier than I thought!)
All I know is that I can barely move, it hurts to breathe, can’t even sit comfortably with this pain!! Ugh, why is this happening?!
Well, I got a doctors appointment today, so hopefully I will be able to get answers. Till next time, everyone…
Tom and Vince
Vince: …Hello, friends, neighbors, and people we hope we don’t meet. On this time of giving, we would like to-
Tom (bursting through the door reeking of whiskey): S-sorry. I didn’t mean to… to miss rehearsal. There was a rehearsal, right…?
Vince: Uhm… yes, Tom. Good of you to show. We’re gonna give the folks at home a treat…
Tom: We gonna let em see Morty’s tits?
Vince: No, no. She’s on vacation this month. We’re going to read the classic ‘T’was the night before Christmas’ to everyone.
Tom: I don’t know that one.
Vince: Haha, that’s funny Tom. Everyone knows that story.
Tom: Well, I’m not everyone. And I don’t.
Vince (facepalms): Whatever. Let’s get this over with…
Vince: T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
Tom: What about Uncle Tony?
Vince: Passed out cold on the floor.
Tom: Are his pants on this time?
Vince: You wish.
Tom: That’s Uncle Tony for you…
Vince (clears throat): Anyway… The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…
Tom: Only to catch fire and burn Uncle Tony’s ass hair.
Vince: That’s not how it goes, Tom.
Tom: Whatever, dude.
Vince: *sighs* Anyway…The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
Tom: Sugarplums? Yeah right! Those are visions of video games and all the other shit they hope to get on Christmas!
Vince (Giving Tom side-eye): And Mom and her nightgown and I in my cap-
Tom: You got married?! Dude!
V: No, it’s in the-
T: Who was the best man? Just answer me that. Who did you get INSTEAD OF ME for your best man?!?
V: Uh… then, out from the lawn, there arose such a clatter!
T: You looked and saw me with a sour look on a ladder
V: Okay, Tom? I’m not married.
T: Wait, you said your wife was in a-
V: Yeah… MY WIFE IN THE POEM.
T: I don’t follow.
[One twenty-minute commercial break later]
V (talking offstage): …Now, where are we again? Thanks, Frank. *clears throat* Then, out from the lawn arose such a clatter! I jumped out of bed and ran to see what was the matter!
T: To his surprise, a guest to the show, who would be down there but RUSSEL FUCKING CROWE!!
V: Wait, what?
T: You heard right! Russel Crowe is here!
V: Holy shitcakes!! How did we make that miracle happen?!?
T: Never doubt the power that lots of money and a guy with connections has in this business.
V: Well, let’s go!
T: Mr. Crowe stood there, his jaw looking strong, and with his epic voice said…
Russel Crowe: Can we move the story along?
T: Thanks, Mr. Crowe! The check’s in the mail!
V: Wait, wait!! That was it? We spent all that money to get Russel fucking Crowe… as a segue?!
T: That’s all we could afford him for, Vince. Oh, by the way, they used your Xmas bonus to pay for him. You okay with that…?
V (getting emotional): M-my bonus…
T: I’ll take it from here, buddy. *clears throat and looks at poem*mmm-hmm… okay, let’s start here…
T: Up in the sky, to my wandering eyes appeared, a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight reindeer. Why they weren’t quickly taken out by NORAD, I don’t know but anyway…
V: I was gonna use it to pay back my debt…
T: …The sleigh’s little driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it was St. Nick, cause who the fuck else could it be, Elvis? Geez, did whoever write this think he was gonna tell it to the special class, or something?
V: *gently sobbing*
T (offstage): Hey, can someone get Vince a vitamin water? Maybe some whiskey? A line of blow and a BJ? He’s starting to make me feel like crying…
[yet another 20-minute break later]
T: Welcome back, everyone! While Vince is having his breakdown over finances, we got a Surprise Guest for everyone! Boys and girls, say hello to jolly Saint Nick himself, Santa Cl-
Satan: Let’s do this quick. Got a kegger to get to.
T (eyes wide in shock): …Uhh…
S: Wait a minute, this isn’t right… where are the sacrifices? And why aren’t [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] bowing before me??
T (eyes wider in horror): …UUUUHHHHHH….
S (offstage): I think there’s been a mix-up, I can’t… what do you mean… well, do I get paid for… how much? Okay, okay, I can do this. (turning to Tom) Hey, Tom! Ho, ho, ho!
T: *stands still, mouth agape in shock*
S (whispering): Look, I know this is all kinds of fucked, trust me, I’m with you, but you gotta pull through. Think of the children… the pure, innocent children…
T: Oh please, don’t get turned on…
S (visibly angry): WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DEGENERATE DO YOU THINK I-
*one 5-minute break later*
S: So, we good now?
T: Yeah, think so.
S: Good. Let’s take these lemons and make some lemonade.
T: Right then! Ahem… “Now DASHER! Now PRANCER, and VIXEN! On COMET! And CUPID, and DONNER and-
S: Always wondered why the reindeer had hooker names
T: Donner isn’t a hooker name.
S: That one has historical significance. Ever heard of the Donner party? Btw, did you know I’m the one who convinced the Donner party to eat each other? They were only a mile and a half from a fort, and I came to one of them in a dream and told them they were trapped in a gulch, all hope was lost and all that jazz. Didn’t think they’d eat each other after that! I thought it was funny as, well, y’know…
T (offstage): Can I just skip to the last bit? This is gonna- I can? Ohh, thank you God [looks at Satan] Uh, I mean thank you, of course!! *laughs meekly* You are the real reason for the season, you obviously handsome red hunk of man, you-
S: I’ll take it from here.
T: Yes sir.
S: *clears throat* He said not a word, but went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. And, laying a finger to the side of his nose…
T: Blew out a booger the size of a rose?
S: [Glares at Tom]
T: …I’ll stop talking now.
S: And giving a nod, to the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh and gave his team a sly whistle. And just like that, flew away like a missile!
S: [Puts arm around Tom] But I heard as he flew away into the night…
V (staggering out with a bottle of cheap gin in his hand): I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
T: VINCE!!! I thought they sent you home for the day!
S (Checking the script): Does it end like that…?
V: Look, Tom. I know we’re cursed to live our lives on the set of this show, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about the infrequent episodes, and Russel Crowe can go fuck himself with a digirr-a degerera- with that thing they blow on to make the noise.
S: Oh, that thing! Wish I knew how it was fucking spelled too, honestly…
V: Point is, you and every named person on this show is like family to me. And I wanna spend the holidays with you guys. [hugs Tom] Merry Christmas, asshole.
T: …Are you drunk?
V: If you ruin this, I will break this bottle over your head.
T (smiles and shrugs): Merry Christmas, you dick-cheese.
S (looking at the lead camera): So, does this mean we’re done?
Writing a little one-off story for the holiday season. Not gonna spoil the plot, but it is a departure from my usual style and I hope you all enjoy it.
That’s all I got for now. Till next time!
God, I am such a jerk. I Meant to post the final chapter of the Tom and Vince Halloween Trilogy the last week of November. I really, really, REALLY intended to get it written and posted. But, genius with planning ahead that I am, I did not realize that the last week of November is Thanksgiving in my country and my OTHER job was gonna want me six days that week.
Now, if I were a true genius, I would’ve finished the story by then so all I’d have to do is post it that week. But unfortunately, I seem to be a genius at idiocy, and I didn’t even do THAT. Now, it is the middle of December, beginning of a snowstorm, and I have NOTHING to show for it writing wise (except a short short story I sent out to a contest.)
Well, I gotta get these creative juices flowing again somehow. Till Next time!
Better late than never, right? RIGHT?!
Well, anyway, here it is! Till next time!!
Tom and Vince Halloween Special
Halloween 2020 was proving to be a busy holiday. The stores were out of candy, mostly because Old Ms. Crowley had bought all the full-size bars. Kids were going for treats while their parents tricked out their costumes for late-night parties.
For Tom and Vince, however, Halloween was fun for other reasons. They were too old for trick or treating, and most of the people in the Show knew better than to invite them to parties. They used to try handing out candy but would usually eat most of it before the kids even got to their door. So, instead of letting Tom seethe over how Ms. Crowley somehow gets her grubby old lady hands on the full-size bars again, Vince decided to bring some friends online and play a game they had both been hearing about for a while…
“Oh look,” Tom said via the headset from his room. “Another emergency meeting. And I was almost done with the electrical grid.”
“Tom, you’ve been groaning since the last game. Can you at least TRY to have fun?” Vince scolded from the living room.
“Sorry, buddy.” Suddenly, Tom cried out. “DAMMIT!! Blue killed me!”
“Whoa, that took longer than last time.” Muttered Vince.
“Don’t remind me. Oh, by the way stay clear of Blue. I think he’s one of the impostors.”
“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m in a meeting.” The meeting did not go well for Vince, however. Blue convinced everyone that he was the impostor, and just like that, he was out of the game.
They both felt sour about the game they played, so they went somewhere to drown their sorrows. That proved to be a challenge as Tom was banned from almost every bar in the Show. Eventually they found a place-more of a hole in the wall, honestly- where they could sit down and get drunk.
“Damn that bastard Blue,” Tom seethed into his glass of P. Water’s Beer-Flavored Drink. “I was almost at the meeting, too!”
“Guy must have been in his fuckin’ debate group.” Vince moped, nursing a shot of whiskey. “How else can someone be so convincing…”
Meanwhile, the other bar patrons regarded the two with suspicion. “Hey Norm,” One asked another. “You know those two idiots?”
The one called ‘Norm’ took a good look at them. “Nah, never saw ‘em.” Was his final reply. “You think they’re suspicious or somethin’?”
“Just wondering who they are,” The other answered. “Thought I knew everyone here…”
Vince tapped Tom on the shoulder. “Hey, those jackoffs over at the bar were looking at us. Do you owe them money or something?”
Tom looked over his shoulder. “I dunno, but let’s blow this joint before they ask.” After skipping out on the bill, Tom and Vince walked for a bit. Tom had to puke after too many P. Water’s, so they stopped near an alleyway. As Tom walked out, he waved behind him, saying “Sorry about your shoes, Miss crack whore. I’m sure it’ll wash off…”
So then, they sat on a bench near a bus stop and pondered their next move. Finally, Vince had an idea. “Wanna find whoever played Blue and stomp the shit out of him?” Tom smiled wide. He was feeling in the mood for some of the old ultraviolence. Then, a thought occurred to him…
“Why? It’s just a game.”
“Yes, it was just a game,” Vince interjected. “But we are petty. Plus, we’re main characters, so we can get away with fucking anything.”
Tom began to think. “Okay, but how do we find whoever played Blue? Not like we can just deus ex machina our way into his apartment or some…”
It was then he noticed they had inexplicably changed locations. They weren’t at the bus stop anymore; they were in some guy’s apartment. And Instead of being next to him on a bench, Vince had some guy on his knees, preparing to slice his neck with a letter opener.
“Vince, Vince!!” He cried, causing his friend to pause. “I think they put something in our drinks! QUICK!! We need to induce vomiting before we wake up on a Chinese junk with our balls in the same vice!!”
Vince dropped the letter opener and facepalmed in embarrassment. “Uh Tom, we haven’t been drugged. We found the guy a few minutes ago. It was only a five-minute drive from where we were to his apartment…”
“HOW?!? HOW DID WE GET HERE??!”
“Deus ex Machina…”
“E-excuse me?” Tom couldn’t believe his ears.
“Try not to think right now, Tom. You’ll give yourself a stroke.” Vince sighed. “I was hoping to make this messy. Guess I’ll have to snap your neck…”
“Wait, WAIT!!” The guy cried. “What if I bribed you into letting me live?!”
“What could you possibly give us that would validate you not dying for being better at video games than us?” Vince asked incredulously.
The man gave a sigh. “Okay, I’m not supposed to share this,” He told our “heroes”. “But I have it in good with the manager of the local electronics store, Mavis Electronics. He’ll let you load whatever you can get in a cart and just walk out the door with it if you tell him ‘it’s extravaganza day’.”
Vince looked at Tom. Tom nodded, meaning that, in the unspoken language of plot devices, they had a deal. “If you just told us this to keep us from killing you,” Vince warned him. “We’ll come back and kill you EXTRA hard!” And with that, They slowly back out of the man’s house and went to Mavis Electronics.
After loading two carts with speakers, DVDs and Blu-Rays, a 4K TV and a robot seal toy (not to mention whatever they could stuff in their pants) they waltzed out the door, each telling the manager “It’s extravaganza day.”
And it turned out that fucking guy sold them a lie. They ended up losing all the things they took from Mavis Electronics in the ensuing police pursuit, which ended with a hundred0car pile up, several buildings on fire, and an epic showdown with the police chief on the head of the Statue of Liberty that is too long to put down in a short story format. In the end though, the day belonged to Tom and Vince… no thanks to the asshole who told them that fib.
Three days had passed since then, and that asshole had found a new place that was even nicer than his old place. Things were looking up for him. He had escaped an attempt on his life, got a promotion at his job, used his bonus to buy a new swanky apartment… he even had a hot girlfriend that he wasn’t just calling hot. Things were great…
…And then THEY showed up. Busting down the doors to his place, Tom and Vince rushed in screaming like Rambo. They smashed up his apartment- an act the asshole thought they took a little too much pleasure in- then tied him up in the middle of his smashed-up place.
“Your boss told us where to find you,” Tom glowered, his face contorted in bloodthirsty anticipation of what he was going to do to him.
“Yeah,” Vince said. “Right after we showed him what we did to your coworkers.” He then added, “He fired you before we killed him by the way. You’ll be getting a letter in a few days…”
“B-but he has my email…” The asshole stammered meekly. “Please… don’t…”
“Sorry, buddy,” Tom said, pulling a chainsaw out of nowhere. As he started to rev it up, he added, “But it’s EXTRAVAGANZA DAY!!!”
Before they could get the satisfaction of sawing him in half from the balls up, Morty suddenly burst through the door, shouting, “HOW DO YOU JACKASSES KNOW MY BOYFRIEND, TOM AND VINCE?!?”
It was then the Tom and Vince both knew it was gonna be a long night…
Well, this is a nice turn of events.
You see, I put in to join a publishing group not too long ago (end of last month, at the earliest). They hadn’t contacted me for a long time, so I figured they weren’t interested and moved on…
Well turns out, they ARE interested!! I have to submit manuscripts to get paid, so it will be a while before I see any profit from this venture. Even so, this is an exciting new chapter for me and I will keep everyone updated as things progress.
Till Next Time!!
“Hey, Vince?” Tom stood in front of the gathered crowd nervously. He didn’t like being around the nameless background characters; mostly because they were literally faceless. They may as well have been meat puppets, he thought.
Vince had called them out for an announcement, but he neglected to tell Tom about it. This made Tom angry, which in conjunction with his uneasiness around the faceless ones made him even more on edge. Worse, it made him sweat like a hog in heat. “Vince?? Dammit, Vince, get the fuck out here and tell us what the fuck is-
“Yeah Tom?” Tom turned around and saw Vince in a Dracula costume. “Uhm… Vince? Halloween is over…”
“Not according to the Simpsons’ calendar,” Vince said, tapping his watch.
Tom scoffed. “What, we’re going by the fucking SIMPSONS?! We gonna start murdering homeless people for ratings, too?”
Vince looked down in shame. “My second-best friend was homeless. When he saw that episode where Homer pretended to be homeless, he hung himself.”
“Yeah,” Tom looked angrily at the viewers, hoping to heaven one of them was Simpsons creator Matt Groening. “Shame on you, Simpsons. Fucking limousine liberal pricks.”
Vince then got to the point. “Television politics aside, I gathered all of you today to announce the
TnV HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!”
Tom was taken aback by that sora stylized announcement. “Whoa! We’re having a Halloween special?!”
“YES, TOM! WE- oh sorry, still got announcer voice there…” After clearing his throat, he continued. “We’re sorry that we haven’t released our third episode, and to make it up, we will be having three- count em, THREE- short minid-episodes based around the previous holiday. There will be one with Morty, our lovely lady of all things death and dying…”
“OOH, scintillating!!” Tom interjected.
“One with us, your main… uh, I guess we could be called ‘heroes’…”
“Gotta cheer for something,” said Tom. “May as well be us!”
“…Aaaand in the third episode, we’ll be having some CELEBRITY guests!!”
“[copyrighted to other people, please don’t sue]” Tom did his best impression of a legal contract, then went back in character and said, “Holy fuck, Vince! How will we do ALL of that in one month?”
“You have any idea how long a month is?” Vince announced. “It’s thirty days or more, dumbass!”
Tom laughed. “Well, guess we got some work to do!”
“Yes, we do!” Vince then addressed the viewing audience. “If you wanna see these mini-episodes, go to
And we will have one released every week!”
“WOW, what a tight schedule!” Tom remarked. “You think that lazy asshole who writes for us will be able to get his shit together in time??”
“I guess we’ll have to find out!” Vince responded. “The first mini ep will take place next Tuesday and be updated weekly! Tune on in, everyone!”
Tom and Vince waved and both ended with “Till next time!!”