Bad Breakfast

A story I sent to a short short story contest. It didn’t win 😩 D’oh well, hope you guys enjoy it!! Till next time!

Bad Breakfast

By Dustin Plank

It was the start of the week at OffTech Industries. OffTech was supposed to be short for Office Tech, but it may as well have been literal as the network decided to commit hara-kiri over the weekend. Maybe Doug in Accounting’s habit of trying to break the parental controls shamed it or something.

Anyway, with the network down, not much was getting done, so everyone was doing their best to keep busy. Everyone EXCEPT James, though his reasons had nothing to do with the network being down. James worked in Sales, and while not being able to access his database did hinder him, he also skipped breakfast that morning and he was hungry. On a normal day, he would have to bear with it until lunch time while making numerous trips to the break room for stale donuts or whatever. But today was different because he
 had a plan.

Step one involved getting some coworkers together and talking them into step two, which was to ditch work early and get something at the family diner down the street from OffTech. He didn’t feel the need to plan beyond step two, because they weren’t coming back to work because he figured the network would be down for most of the day, knowing how slow the company’s provider moved.

He stood up and leaned over the cubicle behind his. “Hey Frankie,” He smiled, saying the name ‘Frankie’ like he was a pop star. “How’s things?”

Frankie looked up at James with frown. “The network’s down. I can’t get anything done. How do you think things are?”

“
Yeah, anyway, I was wondering if you would like to ditch this morning and get some breakfast at the Star Diner down the street?” He pointed towards accounting and added, “We can bring that one guy who looks like the person from that movie you like, if you want?”

Frankie knew who he meant; There was a guy in Accounting named Mick who looked eerily like actor Steve Buscemi, down to the expressions. The fact that Mick had blonde hair did not detract from the likeness. Even though this would be a quaint talking point for any other guy, Mick hated his looks, and harbored a hidden resentment to the actor for existing at the same time as him. Still, Mick was a decent guy, and if James was paying


“I’ll talk to him.” He finally answered. “You got a way out?”

James smiled. “Don’t I always?” And with that, the ‘plan’ was put into action. James’ way out wasn’t too hard, as the supervisor was too busy yelling at the internet provider over the phone in his office to bother keeping track of his employees.

Half an hour later, they were in Frankie’s car, about to pull out of the parking lot. “So where are we going?” Mick asked from the back seat.

“Star Diner. It’s close enough.” James answered.

Mick groaned. “That slop house? Can we go to the Pancake House instead?”

“What’s wrong with the Star Diner?” Frankie asked, making a leisurely turn. “They cook a mean steak.”

“Have you ever had breakfast there?” Mick explained. “They burn everything to Hell, except the eggs.”

James sighed. “Sorry, but the Pancake House is down the interstate, and traffic is still shit on the interstate this time of day, so Star Diner is out only option.”

Mick rolled his eyes and looked out the window. “Can I sit in the front on the way back at least? My leg’s getting cramped
”

Turns out, the Star Diner had improved its cooking somewhat. The eggs were warm, nothing was burned, and the coffee flowed like morning wine. All was acceptable
 except


“Dammit,” James grumbled over his Belgian waffle. At least, what the Star Diner called a Belgian waffle. To James, it was nothing but two Eggo waffles cooked while fused together
 poorly.

“Well, this was better than the last three times I had breakfast here,” Mick remarked after finishing his eggs benedict. “Wonder what happened
”

Frankie was still having his Southern style breakfast with grits and extra bacon. “You should have gotten this, Mick. These guys make a killer Southern breakfast
”

“Ugh, god damn waffle
” James moaned under his breath. He hated his waffle almost as much as he hated being ignored by his work relations. And, according to the gospel of Star Wars, we all know where hate leads


Their waiter walked over to them and asked while hiding his Jersey accent best he could, “You guys need anything else?”

“Another coffee?” Frankie asked, offering up his mug. As the waiter filled it, Mick offhandedly remarked, “This is the best breakfast I’ve had here in a while. Did you fire the cook or something?”

“Well,” The waiter looked around before continuing. “We did get a new cook recently. The last one, it turns out was
 I’d rather not
”

“Well, if you’d
” Mick began to say, but James, eager to share his misery with others chimed in. “No no, you were about to say something about the previous chef
”

“
cook
” The waiter corrected him warily.

“
Yeah. Anyway, it’s only fair if you let us know.”

Frankie and Mick looked at each other. If they could read minds, they would’ve found that they were thinking the same thing; “Oh, crap
”

The waiter looked around again, and abandoning his attempt to hide his accent, he knelt down at the table and whispered. “Well, we were getting complaints about the coffee, so the boss hid a camera in the kitchen, and
”

“Oh, god,” Frankie grimaced after just finishing his mug. “Tell me he didn’t pee in the coffee
”

“Well, no
”

Frankie and Mick both breathed a sigh of relief.

“It was a number two in the filter.”

Mick nearly retched. Frankie screamed in agony. “Why?! Why tell us that?!!” He shouted.

The waiter tried to calm them. “He got blacklisted for it!! He doesn’t work in cooking anymore, PLEASE calm down!! I need this job, guys!”

“I told you guys we shouldn’t have come here!” Mick stood up, knocking his chair over. “Didn’t I tell you guys? Didn’t I?!” And with that he stormed off.

Frankie was more cooperative. “I’m sorry. I-we never should’ve asked. This was uncomfortable for all of us.” He walked out of the restaurant, repeating, “I’m sorry
” over and over, as if traumatized by what he had heard.

Once things had calmed down, James looked at the dejected waiter and, pointing to his plate said, “By the way, about this waffle
”

END

Disability Blues, part 1(?)

Well it’s been a month since I went on medical leave for my back. Not much been going on personally. Just writing and trying to get better.

Been going to therapy sessions for my problematic back. I’m able to go whenever the weather lets me, but winter in the States is not so great at the moment. I mean, Texas got hit so bad they’re back in the Ice Age (literally, and it isn’t funny!!)

Between my back and the snow burying us every other week I would be surprised if the store I work at would remember me. Been gone so long, I feel forgotten…

Ah, well. Till next time, everyone…

Where Have All the Fighters Gone?

Where have all the fighters gone?

The few, the vocal, the brave

I hope they return before too long

Before we all end up in the grave.

The wicked are now too strong

Our voice is now too weak

And if this goes for far too long

Who will stand up for the meek?

Pity the land with no fighters

No force against the horde

No one to stem the corruption

No miracles from the lord.

Random news dump

rover.ebay.com/rover/1/711-53200-19255-0/1

One item (the one above) is that I am trying to sell this really rare item I have come across. It’s a PokĂ©mon Sun and Moontreasure trove, coming with a bunch of stuff you need to play the game (except the game itself). Hoping to get some energy going on this!

In other more related news, working on a new Tom and Vince story. Continuing on that is good for continuity’s sake, I think. I’ll share more as it comes.

Till Next Time!!

Shameless Plug Incoming!!!

Hey!!! You there!!

No, not you, you! You like fantasy and adventure? You like sword and sorcery tales, stories of heroes and elves fighting bandits and the forces of evil, delivering sweet head-cleaving justice?!

THEN HAVE I GOT A LINK FOR YOU!!!

https://anystories.page.link/32oL

Click or copy and past the link above and help the hub of creativity out!

Till Next Time!!

So much pain…

I’ve been in so much pain the last week and a half. Feels like my ribs broke somehow (now sure how-maybe my cat is heavier than I thought!)

All I know is that I can barely move, it hurts to breathe, can’t even sit comfortably with this pain!! Ugh, why is this happening?!

Well, I got a doctors appointment today, so hopefully I will be able to get answers. Till next time, everyone…

The Tom and Vince Xmas Special

Tom and Vince Give a Special Reading of “Twas the Night Before Xmas” and it All Goes Off the Rails

Tom and Vince

Read


T’was the Night Before Christmas

Vince: 
Hello, friends, neighbors, and people we hope we don’t meet. On this time of giving, we would like to-

Tom (bursting through the door reeking of whiskey): S-sorry. I didn’t mean to
 to miss rehearsal. There was a rehearsal, right
?

Vince: Uhm
 yes, Tom. Good of you to show. We’re gonna give the folks at home a treat


Tom: We gonna let em see Morty’s tits?

Vince: No, no. She’s on vacation this month. We’re going to read the classic ‘T’was the night before Christmas’ to everyone.

Tom: I don’t know that one.

Vince: Haha, that’s funny Tom. Everyone knows that story.

Tom: Well, I’m not everyone. And I don’t.

Vince (facepalms): Whatever. Let’s get this over with


Vince: T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse


Tom: What about Uncle Tony?

Vince: Passed out cold on the floor.

Tom: Are his pants on this time?

Vince: You wish.

Tom: That’s Uncle Tony for you


Vince (clears throat): Anyway
 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care


Tom: Only to catch fire and burn Uncle Tony’s ass hair.

Vince: That’s not how it goes, Tom.

Tom: Whatever, dude.

Vince: *sighs* Anyway
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.

Tom: Sugarplums? Yeah right! Those are visions of video games and all the other shit they hope to get on Christmas!

Vince (Giving Tom side-eye): And Mom and her nightgown and I in my cap-

Tom: You got married?! Dude!

V: No, it’s in the-

T: Who was the best man? Just answer me that. Who did you get INSTEAD OF ME for your best man?!?

V: Uh
 then, out from the lawn, there arose such a clatter!

T: You looked and saw me with a sour look on a ladder

V: Okay, Tom? I’m not married.

T: Wait, you said your wife was in a-

V: Yeah
 MY WIFE IN THE POEM.

T: 


V: 


T: I don’t follow.

V: AUGGGH!!!

[One twenty-minute commercial break later]

V (talking offstage): 
Now, where are we again? Thanks, Frank. *clears throat* Then, out from the lawn arose such a clatter! I jumped out of bed and ran to see what was the matter!

T: To his surprise, a guest to the show, who would be down there but RUSSEL FUCKING CROWE!!

V: Wait, what?

T: You heard right! Russel Crowe is here!

V: Holy shitcakes!! How did we make that miracle happen?!?

T: Never doubt the power that lots of money and a guy with connections has in this business.

V: Well, let’s go!

T: Mr. Crowe stood there, his jaw looking strong, and with his epic voice said


Russel Crowe: Can we move the story along?

T: Thanks, Mr. Crowe! The check’s in the mail!

V: Wait, wait!! That was it? We spent all that money to get Russel fucking Crowe
 as a segue?!

T: That’s all we could afford him for, Vince. Oh, by the way, they used your Xmas bonus to pay for him. You okay with that
?

V (getting emotional): M-my bonus


T: I’ll take it from here, buddy. *clears throat and looks at poem*mmm-hmm
 okay, let’s start here


T: Up in the sky, to my wandering eyes appeared, a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight reindeer. Why they weren’t quickly taken out by NORAD, I don’t know but anyway


V: I was gonna use it to pay back my debt


T: 
The sleigh’s little driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it was St. Nick, cause who the fuck else could it be, Elvis? Geez, did whoever write this think he was gonna tell it to the special class, or something?

V: *gently sobbing*

T (offstage): Hey, can someone get Vince a vitamin water? Maybe some whiskey? A line of blow and a BJ? He’s starting to make me feel like crying


[yet another 20-minute break later]

T: Welcome back, everyone! While Vince is having his breakdown over finances, we got a Surprise Guest for everyone! Boys and girls, say hello to jolly Saint Nick himself, Santa Cl-

Satan: Let’s do this quick. Got a kegger to get to.

T (eyes wide in shock): 
Uhh


S: Wait a minute, this isn’t right
 where are the sacrifices? And why aren’t [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] bowing before me??

T (eyes wider in horror): 
UUUUHHHHHH
.

S (offstage): I think there’s been a mix-up, I can’t
 what do you mean
 well, do I get paid for
 how much? Okay, okay, I can do this. (turning to Tom) Hey, Tom! Ho, ho, ho!

T: *stands still, mouth agape in shock*

S (whispering): Look, I know this is all kinds of fucked, trust me, I’m with you, but you gotta pull through. Think of the children
 the pure, innocent children


T: Oh please, don’t get turned on


S (visibly angry): WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DEGENERATE DO YOU THINK I-

*one 5-minute break later*

S: So, we good now?

T: Yeah, think so.

S: Good. Let’s take these lemons and make some lemonade.

T: Right then! Ahem
 “Now DASHER! Now PRANCER, and VIXEN! On COMET! And CUPID, and DONNER and-

S: Always wondered why the reindeer had hooker names

T: Donner isn’t a hooker name.

S: That one has historical significance. Ever heard of the Donner party? Btw, did you know I’m the one who convinced the Donner party to eat each other? They were only a mile and a half from a fort, and I came to one of them in a dream and told them they were trapped in a gulch, all hope was lost and all that jazz. Didn’t think they’d eat each other after that! I thought it was funny as, well, y’know


T (offstage): Can I just skip to the last bit? This is gonna- I can? Ohh, thank you God [looks at Satan] Uh, I mean thank you, of course!! *laughs meekly* You are the real reason for the season, you obviously handsome red hunk of man, you-

S: I’ll take it from here.

T: Yes sir.

S: *clears throat* He said not a word, but went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. And, laying a finger to the side of his nose


T: Blew out a booger the size of a rose?

S: [Glares at Tom]

T: 
I’ll stop talking now.

S: And giving a nod, to the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh and gave his team a sly whistle. And just like that, flew away like a missile!

S: [Puts arm around Tom] But I heard as he flew away into the night


V (staggering out with a bottle of cheap gin in his hand): I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

T: VINCE!!! I thought they sent you home for the day!

S (Checking the script): Does it end like that
?

V: Look, Tom. I know we’re cursed to live our lives on the set of this show, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about the infrequent episodes, and Russel Crowe can go fuck himself with a digirr-a degerera- with that thing they blow on to make the noise.

S: Oh, that thing! Wish I knew how it was fucking spelled too, honestly


V: Point is, you and every named person on this show is like family to me. And I wanna spend the holidays with you guys. [hugs Tom] Merry Christmas, asshole.

T: 
Are you drunk?

V: If you ruin this, I will break this bottle over your head.

T (smiles and shrugs): Merry Christmas, you dick-cheese.

S (looking at the lead camera): So, does this mean we’re done?

End.

Time (isn’t on my side)

Or How I Lost Track and Forgot My Own Deadline

God, I am such a jerk. I Meant to post the final chapter of the Tom and Vince Halloween Trilogy the last week of November. I really, really, REALLY intended to get it written and posted. But, genius with planning ahead that I am, I did not realize that the last week of November is Thanksgiving in my country and my OTHER job was gonna want me six days that week.

Now, if I were a true genius, I would’ve finished the story by then so all I’d have to do is post it that week. But unfortunately, I seem to be a genius at idiocy, and I didn’t even do THAT. Now, it is the middle of December, beginning of a snowstorm, and I have NOTHING to show for it writing wise (except a short short story I sent out to a contest.)

Well, I gotta get these creative juices flowing again somehow. Till Next time!