Tom and Vince Give a Special Reading of “Twas the Night Before Xmas” and it All Goes Off the Rails
Tom and Vince
T’was the Night Before Christmas
Vince: …Hello, friends, neighbors, and people we hope we don’t meet. On this time of giving, we would like to-
Tom (bursting through the door reeking of whiskey): S-sorry. I didn’t mean to… to miss rehearsal. There was a rehearsal, right…?
Vince: Uhm… yes, Tom. Good of you to show. We’re gonna give the folks at home a treat…
Tom: We gonna let em see Morty’s tits?
Vince: No, no. She’s on vacation this month. We’re going to read the classic ‘T’was the night before Christmas’ to everyone.
Tom: I don’t know that one.
Vince: Haha, that’s funny Tom. Everyone knows that story.
Tom: Well, I’m not everyone. And I don’t.
Vince (facepalms): Whatever. Let’s get this over with…
Vince: T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
Tom: What about Uncle Tony?
Vince: Passed out cold on the floor.
Tom: Are his pants on this time?
Vince: You wish.
Tom: That’s Uncle Tony for you…
Vince (clears throat): Anyway… The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…
Tom: Only to catch fire and burn Uncle Tony’s ass hair.
Vince: That’s not how it goes, Tom.
Tom: Whatever, dude.
Vince: *sighs* Anyway…The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
Tom: Sugarplums? Yeah right! Those are visions of video games and all the other shit they hope to get on Christmas!
Vince (Giving Tom side-eye): And Mom and her nightgown and I in my cap-
Tom: You got married?! Dude!
V: No, it’s in the-
T: Who was the best man? Just answer me that. Who did you get INSTEAD OF ME for your best man?!?
V: Uh… then, out from the lawn, there arose such a clatter!
T: You looked and saw me with a sour look on a ladder
V: Okay, Tom? I’m not married.
T: Wait, you said your wife was in a-
V: Yeah… MY WIFE IN THE POEM.
T: I don’t follow.
[One twenty-minute commercial break later]
V (talking offstage): …Now, where are we again? Thanks, Frank. *clears throat* Then, out from the lawn arose such a clatter! I jumped out of bed and ran to see what was the matter!
T: To his surprise, a guest to the show, who would be down there but RUSSEL FUCKING CROWE!!
V: Wait, what?
T: You heard right! Russel Crowe is here!
V: Holy shitcakes!! How did we make that miracle happen?!?
T: Never doubt the power that lots of money and a guy with connections has in this business.
V: Well, let’s go!
T: Mr. Crowe stood there, his jaw looking strong, and with his epic voice said…
Russel Crowe: Can we move the story along?
T: Thanks, Mr. Crowe! The check’s in the mail!
V: Wait, wait!! That was it? We spent all that money to get Russel fucking Crowe… as a segue?!
T: That’s all we could afford him for, Vince. Oh, by the way, they used your Xmas bonus to pay for him. You okay with that…?
V (getting emotional): M-my bonus…
T: I’ll take it from here, buddy. *clears throat and looks at poem*mmm-hmm… okay, let’s start here…
T: Up in the sky, to my wandering eyes appeared, a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight reindeer. Why they weren’t quickly taken out by NORAD, I don’t know but anyway…
V: I was gonna use it to pay back my debt…
T: …The sleigh’s little driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it was St. Nick, cause who the fuck else could it be, Elvis? Geez, did whoever write this think he was gonna tell it to the special class, or something?
V: *gently sobbing*
T (offstage): Hey, can someone get Vince a vitamin water? Maybe some whiskey? A line of blow and a BJ? He’s starting to make me feel like crying…
[yet another 20-minute break later]
T: Welcome back, everyone! While Vince is having his breakdown over finances, we got a Surprise Guest for everyone! Boys and girls, say hello to jolly Saint Nick himself, Santa Cl-
Satan: Let’s do this quick. Got a kegger to get to.
T (eyes wide in shock): …Uhh…
S: Wait a minute, this isn’t right… where are the sacrifices? And why aren’t [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] bowing before me??
T (eyes wider in horror): …UUUUHHHHHH….
S (offstage): I think there’s been a mix-up, I can’t… what do you mean… well, do I get paid for… how much? Okay, okay, I can do this. (turning to Tom) Hey, Tom! Ho, ho, ho!
T: *stands still, mouth agape in shock*
S (whispering): Look, I know this is all kinds of fucked, trust me, I’m with you, but you gotta pull through. Think of the children… the pure, innocent children…
T: Oh please, don’t get turned on…
S (visibly angry): WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DEGENERATE DO YOU THINK I-
*one 5-minute break later*
S: So, we good now?
T: Yeah, think so.
S: Good. Let’s take these lemons and make some lemonade.
T: Right then! Ahem… “Now DASHER! Now PRANCER, and VIXEN! On COMET! And CUPID, and DONNER and-
S: Always wondered why the reindeer had hooker names
T: Donner isn’t a hooker name.
S: That one has historical significance. Ever heard of the Donner party? Btw, did you know I’m the one who convinced the Donner party to eat each other? They were only a mile and a half from a fort, and I came to one of them in a dream and told them they were trapped in a gulch, all hope was lost and all that jazz. Didn’t think they’d eat each other after that! I thought it was funny as, well, y’know…
T (offstage): Can I just skip to the last bit? This is gonna- I can? Ohh, thank you God [looks at Satan] Uh, I mean thank you, of course!! *laughs meekly* You are the real reason for the season, you obviously handsome red hunk of man, you-
S: I’ll take it from here.
T: Yes sir.
S: *clears throat* He said not a word, but went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. And, laying a finger to the side of his nose…
T: Blew out a booger the size of a rose?
S: [Glares at Tom]
T: …I’ll stop talking now.
S: And giving a nod, to the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh and gave his team a sly whistle. And just like that, flew away like a missile!
S: [Puts arm around Tom] But I heard as he flew away into the night…
V (staggering out with a bottle of cheap gin in his hand): I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
T: VINCE!!! I thought they sent you home for the day!
S (Checking the script): Does it end like that…?
V: Look, Tom. I know we’re cursed to live our lives on the set of this show, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about the infrequent episodes, and Russel Crowe can go fuck himself with a digirr-a degerera- with that thing they blow on to make the noise.
S: Oh, that thing! Wish I knew how it was fucking spelled too, honestly…
V: Point is, you and every named person on this show is like family to me. And I wanna spend the holidays with you guys. [hugs Tom] Merry Christmas, asshole.
T: …Are you drunk?
V: If you ruin this, I will break this bottle over your head.
T (smiles and shrugs): Merry Christmas, you dick-cheese.
S (looking at the lead camera): So, does this mean we’re done?