It was a calm night at Midnight Coffin, where all the horror icons went for their coffee. Halloween was months away, so it was mostly the usual crowd of icons who haven’t had a movie in awhile. Jason was holding up the line, pointing at what he wanted and trying his best to get the point through to the stoned barista who was really too high to stand. Meanwhile, the manager was yelling at the ghosts from the Fog because they brought the fog inside with them and it was making everyone gag.
Far enough away from the drama sat Freddy Kreuger, enjoying an iced caramel latte and a vanilla biscotti. He was usually busy at night, but lately, he’s been troubled. He couldn’t quite put what the problem was into words until…
“Hey Fred,” It was Pennywise, one of the reheated leftovers. That’s what every icon called those who saw a resurgence in popularity. Usually, Freddy would be hostile, but he was too upset to tell the clown to piss off, so instead he nodded in greeting. “Hey there, clown,” He said half-mockingly. “How’s the circus?”
Pennywise sighed. It was at that moment Freddy knew he had asked a loaded question. “I’m sorry, it’s just–Do you mind?” Pennywise sat down at Freddy’s table across from him. “It’s just, have you noticed how weird our victims are acting?”
“Define weird,” Fred replied.
Pennywise shrugged. “Well, last night I was stalking some 20-year-olds in forest. Everything was going well, I had them-I had them!-and then they noticed I was in the form of a werewolf… and they started laughing at me!”
Freddy said nothing.
“Two of them called me ‘cringe’ whatever that means. Then one started talking to me about their ‘fursona’. And I’m just standing there thinking, “What went wrong? Why is this happening to me? And what the fuck is a fursona?!? I swear, ever since millenials became a thing–“
Freddy jerked his head up so quickly he almost spilled his latte. “YES!! I know what you mean! I went inside the dream of a millennial recently. I tried doing my thing and she starts smiling. I ask her why she isn’t scared and she said, “I dunno, this just feels… quaint.”
“QUAINT?!” Pennywise’s jaw dropped. “Fucking millenials, man. What’s wrong with them?”
Freddy stroked his chin with his claw hand. “It’s like real life has become scarier than us. It isn’t right,” He pounded his fist on the table, spilling his latte for real. “Not right at fucking all!”
“I know,” Pennywise waved his arms around dramatically. “People these days don’t feel fear like they used to. It’s more like an existential dread. How am I supposed to compete with that? Fear of death can only do so much…”
“I went to kill a teenager once, and he thanked me. He thanked me!” Freddy started getting worked up, causing the manager to shout, “Freddy, do you need to leave?”
Freddy opened his mouth to cuss out the manager, but in his stressed state he could only manage to say, “Maybe I do!” Having embarrassed himself in front of everyone at Midnight Coffin including the goth assistant manager he lowkey liked, He sunk in his chair, looked at Pennywise, and asked, “Can we talk somewhere else…”
Moments later, they were walking down Lover’s Lane. They had stopped talking, and Pennywise didn’t like the awkward silence. “You okay, Fred?” He asked.
No answer.
“We’re at lover’s lane… you wanna murder someone?”
No answer.
“You wanna invade some homeless man’s dreams and–
“GODDAMMIT!!” Freddy cursed so loud it made the few cars in the Lane stop rocking for a second.
“Dude, I am right next to you,” The demonic clown admonished the dream fiend.
Freddy didn’t respond; he just kept ranting. “What’s wrong with people these days?! Is it us? Are we not scary anymore?” Freddy started getting emotional. “I can’t go back to accounting! Being scary is all I’ve got… it’s all I’ve got…”
“Calm down, Fred,” Pennywise tried to comfort the icon. “Things like this happen. We just gotta adapt.” Suddenly, a smile crossed the clown’s lips. “In fact, I got an idea of how we can fix this…”
Three nights later, a man and a woman were getting intimate on Lover’s lane. “I don’t know if this is a good idea,” The woman told the man. “What if your wife finds out what we’re doing?”
“Nonsense,” The man consoled her. “This time of night? She’s passed out drunk in front of the TV. Now, come here…”
SNAP!! A noise from outside made the woman jump. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” The man was already taking off his pants. “It’s the woods, twigs snap all the time.”
He was about to get her back in the mood when…
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! The man got upset at this. Opening his window he shouted, “Who’s there? This isn’t funny…!”
A figure emerged from the woods. It stomped closer and closer, its form becoming more clear, until…
“Hello there,” said Pennywise in the form of a telemarketer. “I am Bob, and I wanna talk to you about your car’s extended warranty. Also, I have a guest with me…”
Another figure came out of the woods. “I got the greatest plan for you two,” Said Freddy, disguised as the President of The United States. “It’s the greatest. So great, it’ll grab you by the-“
The couple was so frightened that in their rush to escape the man put the car in drive instead of reverse, sending them both off the cliff to their deaths.
Pennywise and Freddy reverted back to their true forms and went to high-five each other. “Thanks clown,” Freddy said, laughing wickedly. “I needed that!”
The End
Studio CreatiV: The Writings, poetry and musing of an Angry Man 