Gentlemen, BEHOLD!!! I have made a dated Adult Swim reference!!
Also, another chapter in the misadventures of Tom and Vince. Enjoy!
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT AHEAD!!!
Misadventures of Tom and Vince
Episode 2: Tom’s freaking sweet(?) porno collection
Vince wasn’t happy. Bad enough his co-star, Tom, had started to spend way too much time in his room fapping- and Vince knew that was going on, for what other reason would Tom have to stay in his room when there was mischief to be done? – But they were expecting guests today, and that didn’t sit well with Vince.
“Hey, Tom!” Vince called up to his friend. “Why don’t you stop jerking around and help?”
“Just a minute,” Tom replied. “I can’t find my pants.”
“I don’t care if you come down naked, just get down here and HELP!!” He then paused and corrected himself; “Just find some clean underwear and get fucking down here.”
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. “SHIT!!” Vince cursed, knowing whom it was. He turned to the door and announced, “I’ll be right there!”
Outside were the guests; Madamd Morte (otherwise known as Morty) and her new ‘boy toy’, Satan. To say Vince was surprised by his presence would be like saying the ocean is wet.
“Ohmigod! Mortyy, that’s…” He then covered his mouth and whispered, “That’s Satan…”
“I can still hear you,” Satan said plainly. “When do we eat?”
“Honey, please,” Morty scolded the devil. “Not now.” She then looked at Vince with a smile and said, “Where’s Tom? I was hoping to rub this in his loser face, but I don’t see him…”
“He stays in his room for days now,” Vince told them. “He only comes out to eat, drink, and poop.”
“What’s he doing up there?” Asked Morty.
“I know,” Satan said, giggling like a Dutch schoolgirl that just found the headmistress’s porn collection. “I can smell sin…”
“That’s nice honey, no one cares.” Morty told him.
“Who’s down there?” Tom called out, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “I’m trying to… paint.”
“The guests are down here,” Vince answered. “Jackass.”
“What’s he painting?” Morty asked. “I love paintings!”
“He’s not painting,” Satan chuckled.
A wry smile crossed Vince’s lips. “I don’t know,” He said, then announcing aloud, “BUT WHY DON’T WE FIND OUT?”
“That’s not necessary,” Tom said, betraying no hint of nervousness.
“I love that idea!” Morty said. So they went upstairs to Tom’s door, only to find it locked.
“Open the door, Tom.” Vince requested.
“No,” Was the reply.
“Don’t be shy,” Morty chided him. “Creativity is not a curse.”
“Yeah,” Vince added. “So open the fucking door!”
“NO!” Tom said firmly.
“Fine,” Morty replied. “Then I’ll break it down!” She unsheathed her sword, holding it like a samurai warrior.
“Can I trust her to pay the damages?” Vince asked her boy toy.
“This is gonna be funny,” Satan giggled again, ignoring Vince’s query.
Morty raised her sword. “HAIIIIIII….”
“Wait,” Tom pleaded. “WAIT!!!”
“….YAHHH!!!!!” Lady Death brought her mighty sword down, rendering the door to splinters. It was then that they realized Tom had locked the door for a reason; he was fapping to a porno.
“Oh dear, sweet, merciful crap, Tom!!!” Vince cried, shielding his eyes from the sight of Tom’s junk. “I told you to PUT FUCKING PANTS ON!!!”
“No you didn’t…” Tom said in his upset voice.
Morty grimaced. “I should have known…”
“I knew,” Satan replied, laughing out loud.
Three minutes later, Tom was dressed and sitting down, as Vince paraded around the living room and chastised him. “This has gone on far enough! It is one thing to jerk off in your own home, but it’s not just your home! I live here too!”
“Don’t remind me,” Tom said under his breath.
“Why don’t we all calm down…?” asked Morty nervously.
“Fuck that,” Satan shot back. “I wanna see them fight.”
“You’re not helping!!” Vince told Satan, who simply shrugged and said, “Goes against my character.”
“Let’s get back on track, Vince.” Morty told him. “Why has he spent the last five weeks of his life watching porn?”
“That’s not true,” Tom said. “I’ve also spent those weeks eating and going to the bath room.”
“Did you bathe?” Vince asked.
“Not once,” Tom answered, full of more pride than he should have.
Satan looked around. “ Well, that explains the paint peeling off the walls…”
“I don’t think those are the questions we should be asking,” The Madame interrupted in an attempt to steer the conversation back on course.
But it wasn’t to be. “Yeah,” Said her boy toy. “What I wanna know is what kind of porn keeps a guy in his room for five weeks?”
Tom looked at the lord of darkness and replied, “Would you like to find out?”
“Guys,” Morte said nervously. “I really don’t think that…”
“TO TOM’S ROOM!!!” Satan shouted, already halfway up the stairs.
“Hey, wait!” Tom called after him. “Its my room, I’ll be the one showing my dirty laundry!”
Vince grimaced. “There goes the story…”
Lady Death matched his grimace. “For fuck’s sake…”
Vince and the Morty were stepping into Tom’s room when he pulled out a huge chest marked ‘XXX’.
Morty pointed to the chest pensively. “Is that your porn?” She asked.
“No,” Tom said cheekily. “That is where I keep your mother when I’m not using her.”
In a rage, Morty reached for her sword, crying, “MOTHERFUCKING SONUVA—
“No, don’t!” Vince stopped her.
“Why not?!” She asked.
“Because you’re only a recurring character,” Vince explained. “And I can’t carry this show on my own. Besides, he’s got plot armor.”
Morty frowned. “Fine, I’m going outside to kill someone else, then.”
“As long as they’re not important,” Vince agreed.
As the most fatal of femme fatales left, Satan looked at Vince and said, “If Tom dies, I could be your friend.”
“I need friends like you,” Vince sighed. “Like I need twelve holes in my head.”
“Whatever,” Satan looked at Tom and said, “Open it up! I wanna see your Ark of the Covenant!”
Tom reached for the clasp to the chest and then paused. “Did that last part make anyone else feel dirty?”
“Yes,” Vince replied.
“Yeah,” Satan scratched his head. “I just realized that as I said it…”
“I’m always dirty,” Pigpen from Peanuts came out of nowhere to say that, then walked out of the house.
Vince’s mouth dropped. “Was that the dirty kid from Charlie Brown?”
“…Where the fuck did he come from?” Tom began to say, but then he just shrugged and opened the chest.
It was indeed like opening the Ark of the Covenant. Inside was so much pornography even Satan was surprised that the chest could still close. Something was a bit off with the titles, though…
“Are all these porn parodies?” Vince asked, picking up a case with his thumb and forefinger.
“The one you’re holding is called ‘Lord of the Cock Ring,” Tom replied, causing Vince to drop it like it was radioactive.
“How… nice?”
“Yeah,” Tom went on. “It’s got this awesome scene where Frodo puts on the ring and proceeds to screw Arwen and Galadriel, and there’s another one with four orcs and Galadriel, and they’re…”
“Aright, Tom,” Vince cut him off. “That’s enough.”
Satan held up another one. “What’s this one like?”
“Oh, that one!!” Tom cried, as if proud of owning it. “You guys know about Street Fighter?”
“…Yeah,” Was Vince’s stalled reply.
“Well, that one’s called… y’know… but I have every volume of that series! Even the Alpha and EX ones!”
“Wait a minute,” Vince asked. “Street Fucker EX?”
“That one’s kind of funny. The hero in that one is called ‘Bonermania’.”
“Nice. How… nice.”
“And he has this awesome scene with Pullum Purna where he bangs her until she squirts like a fountain!”
“STOP!” Vince shouted…
…But to no avail. “And in Super Street Fucker 4, there’s a nice four-way between Juri, Ken, C. Viper, and Ryu.” Tom then looked at Satan and said, “Always makes me jizz!!” Prompting Satan himself to cringe and say, “Oh, holy crap, dude…!”
“…And in Street Fucker EX 2, Blair does a DP with Bonermania and this guy called, ‘Dakken Darkmeat’, or something. Its nice, because she’s got tits and a nice ass.”
Satan, eager to change the subject because he’s just not that into Street Fighter, pulled out another one. “What about this one?”
“Stop encouraging him!!” Vince cried.
Again, it was to no avail. “That’s the last season of Game of Thrones.” Tom paused, then continued. “Its not technically porn, but I haven’t seen it, and I know if Vince watches it first, he’ll spoil who dies for me.” Tom then added, “Hopefully it’ll end well!”
“Prepare for disappointment,” Satan dropped Game of Thrones as if it were radioactive and grabbed another one.
“That’s Sailor Sex, a Sailor Moon porn parody,” Tom said, not even needing to be asked this time. “Basically a barely legal teen type of movie. But all the Sailors have sex-related names.”
“…Like?” Satan asked.
“Sailor Squirt, Sailor Dildo, Sailor Anal, Sailor Tits, and Sailor Sex herself.” Then Tom Added, “Oh, and Tuxedo Mask is now Trench Coat Mask. He’s got this scene where Sailor Tits gives him oral, and then spreads her legs on a park bench and lets him nail her six ways to Tuesday.”
“Where did you get all this?” Vince asked.
“Yeah,” Satan seconded. “I didn’t even know they made Street Fighter porn parodies!”
“I got a guy that I keep in contact with over Skype.” Tom answered, again feeling proud. “I just ask him to find something, and three to six days later, it’s in the mail.”
“What else has he gotten you?” Satan inquired.
“Well,” Tom reached into the chest and took out several cases. “There’s Final Fantasy, only it’s called ‘Final Fucking Fantasy’, and instead of following the series, it has several characters from various installments.”
“Like who?”
“Yuffie, Tifa, Fran, Lightning, Rikku, Quistis, Terra, and Celes, to name a small few.”
“…A small few?”
“The movie is four hours long.”
“Does it make more sense than the games?” asked Satan.
“Not really, but there’s a scene with Cloud in it.” Tom chuckled. “Only his name is Cuckold, and he mostly sits and cries while other dudes get it on with Tifa and Aerith…”
“Yeah,” Satan mused. “Being cuckolded would suck so hard…”
“Yes, that’s very nice,” Vince chided sarcastically, while imagining beating both Tom and his new pal to death with a baseball bat and hiding their bodies in the woods out back.
Just then, Madame Morte came back, wearing a bathrobe. “Sorry I didn’t come back sooner,” She explained. “Not that I wanted to or anything…”
“Where have you been?” Vince shouted. “I’ve been suffering through porn parody hell here, and I could have used some company!”
“The Street Fucker parodies are made by a company called ‘Porn Parody Hell’.” Tom replied.
“Yeah, about that,” Lady Death said, ignoring Tom while speaking to Satan. “I’ve met someone.”
“That’s nice,” Satan spoke before the words even sank in. “Wait, what?!”
Just then, the lady of death noticed something in the chest. “Holy fucking fuck!!” She cried out.
“What?” Tom asked worriedly.
“What the fucking hell, you goddamn bastard!!”
“WHAT?!” Tom asked again, suddenly picturing his head on the Morty’s mantle.
Lady Death didn’t speak; she simply reached into the chest and held a movie titled “Morty Does DP in Dallas: A Porn Parody Epic” like it was radioactive.
“Where did you get this?!!” She demanded of him. “All the copies of this should have been destroyed, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?!?”
“From a guy on Skype…” Tom answered, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.
“He dies tonight,” She growled.
Satan took the DVD from her hands and studied it thoroughly. “Did that… didn’t do that… did that… didn’t- you do that?”
“Look,” the Madame reasoned. “I did this for money for college… and I regretted it immediately!”
“You went to college?” Tom was surprised by this information.
“Yes…”
“Wait, wait, lemme guess… Bachelor’s degree in being sexy?”
“Child psychology,” Lady Death answered sardonically. “And that’s why I can deal with you and Tweedle-Dee over there.”
Vince, while not feeling happy about being called ‘Tweedle Dee”, let it slide and asked, “You graduated with a degree in Child Psychology?”
Morty frowned. “Actually, I dropped out. I just said that to piss Tom off.”
“And you failed miserably!!” Tom announced proudly, which made her frown much frownier.
“…Well, anyway,” Satan went on to pick another porno from the box. “What’s this one called?”
“STOP!!!” Shouted both Vince and Lady Death…
…And to no avail yet again. “That one is called ‘Tekken: The Porn parody’. Its okay, but its no Street Fucker EX.”
“Well,” Morty said before any more perverted madness could ensue further. “It’s been… nice (?), but I have to go and get my things out of Satan’s apartment. Y’know, before he finds out about my new man…”
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” Satan said, adding “DOES HE PLEASE YOU BETTER THAN ME?!?”
Without answering, Madame Morte simply walked out of Tom and Vince’s house, Satan screaming all the way. “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, YOU BITCH!!! YOU BROKE MY BLACK, ICKY, FUCKING HEART!!!!!”
Tom and Vince watched them go, and continued listening to Satan rant as they got into the devil’s Ford Civic, put on their seatbelts, and drove down to the turnpike a mile away. “Wow,” Tom said with a smile. “Relationships are rough. Makes me glad I only have porn!”
“Oh,” Vince looked at Tom questioningly. “So you don’t miss the touch of a woman?”
Tom stood there astounded; he had not expected that reply. “I need to bathe,” He finally said, going back inside. “And we’re hitting the bar tonight!”
Vince smiled. “Thank you, brain!”
His brain replied, “I live to serve you, Master Vince…” Then Vince went inside as well, calling out, “Don’t use all the hot water this time!”
“Too late…” Tom replied.
“…God Dammit, Tom…”
The End
Studio CreatiV: The Writings and poetry of Dustin Plank 