A story I wrote a while ago. Hope everyone enjoys it!
WARNING: CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOR
Episode 1: Death is a Chick
Tom sat on the porch of his house and lit up some marijuana. He didn’t care that the neighbors’ kids were watching. He didn’t even care about the cops that drove by, glaring at him as he smoked away. He knew they couldn’t arrest him, for he had a secret weapon against things like that; he was a main character in a program called ‘the Show’. He didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’, but he knew he was the main character. And the first rule of being a main character is main characters don’t die like punks. The second rule is they also didn’t get arrested, or anything like that, unless it was part of their story to be so.
Knowing these rules meant that Tom could run around in a minefield, kick tigers in the junk, and tell pissed-off looking bikers that he had intimate sex with their mothers, and escape with no injury. The only ones who did get hurt or die were the lesser characters, which he lovingly called ‘the cannon fodder’. He did pity them; how could you not pity someone whose only purpose was to die, often horribly, for the amusement of the cold, cruel, and careless viewer? Sometimes the pity got him down. But that was what the weed was for.
Just then, he heard a voice coming from inside the house. It was Vince, the other main character. Tom didn’t know how he got on ‘the Show’ either. His best guess was the viewer wanted someone who would get up in his shit and play the straight man to his… whatever.
“Hey Tom!!” He cried. “Come see this book I got in the mail yesterday!”
Tom replied, “Can I smoke in the house?” Vince’s answer was a resounding, “Only if I get a puff!” Tom put out the joint and went in.
“Okay,” He said as he entered, “What did you get in the mail?”
“I don’t know,” Vince answered back. “I got it from a book club. It came instead of my Hellboy graphic novel.”
Tom grabbed the book and read the title aloud. “The Dominus Incantus: Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.” He then proceeded to flip through the book, looking at the pictures. “Demon summoning, angel summoning, monsters, elder gods… this is a magic book!!”
“This is so cool!” Vince said, jumping for joy. “What should we summon first?”
Tom flipped to the first page of the book. “Wait, there’s a warning,” He then proceeded to read aloud: “Warning! All ye who read this; this is a forbidden tome, blah, blah, blah… could cause madness and damnation, blah, blah… burn upon finding, blahbiddy, blahbiddy bloo.”
Tom and Vince stared at each other for a while, letting the words sink in. Once they had, Vince declared, “Lets summon some succubae and throw a party!”
“Sweet!!” Said Tom in agreement. “Let’s see what we’ve got in succubae…”
Three minutes later, Vince got impatient. “Well? Where the demon hoes at?!”
“There are seventeen pages of demon hoes, I just want to find the right ones.”
“What right ones?” Vince declared.
“Well,” Tom said, backtracking a few pages. “There are ones that eat your soul, ones that eat your flesh, ones that turn you inside out while you’re still alive…”
“Any that do anal?”
“Not yet,” Tom replied, and then stopped on a page. “Well hello, gorgeous…”
“What? Let me see!!”
Tom showed him a picture of an albino woman with huge bosoms, a figure curvy enough to base a racetrack around, and very little clothing. The caption underneath her read, “Madame Mort`e”
“Let’s summon this one first!” Tom said, unable to keep from drooling.
An hour later, they had the living room set up with candles, black lighting, and a summoning circle on the floor in salt. For added measure they had black metal ready to play on a nearby stereo. Tom looked up at Vince and asked, “Ready to bust a nut on otherworldly bitches?”
They began the ritual. “Oh, demons and gods of old!” Vince cried aloud, throwing his arms up. “I call upon thee to summon forth your agent of death, so that she may do our bidding!” The sky then grew dark outside. A wind kicked up, and it started to thunder violently.
“Upon my chant, release this being from the ether of hell!! Release… release… RELEASE!!!!!”
And… nothing. The darkness went away, and birds started singing. Tom looked around and said, “Now I got blue balls…”
“I don’t understand,” Vince said, going through the book. “I said everything the ritual told me to say…”
“Maybe she thinks she’s too good for us,” Tom cursed, adding, “Stuck up bitch,” As he kicked a candle into the circle.
Then, the candle lit the salt in the middle of the summoning circle; the flame coursing around, filling the design, and the room was consumed in a bright flash! When the light subsided, there stood, in front of their eyes, the visage of Death herself, Madame Mort’e.
“At last!!” She cried, drawing her sword. “I have been freed from the land of hellfire to cleanse this world as I see fit! I shall lay this tawdry Earth to waste! Let my reign be drenched in-“
“Uh-huh,” Vince interrupted her. “That’s nice. Say, do you put out?”
The sexy reaper looked at him incredulously. “Put what out? Can’t you see I’m talking here?”
“Sorry, please continue.”
“Thank you,” Mort`e then looked at Tom; he was in a trance, a dumb-looking smile on his face. She pointed him out and asked, “Is he okay?”
“He hasn’t been okay since puberty,” Vince replied.
“I see,” She answered, adding, “You’d think he’d never seen a Death Goddess before,” Under her breath.
Then she continued. “Let my reign be drenched with blood for a thousand years! May all the lowly creatures…” She trailed off, unable to cope with Tom staring right at her ample bosoms. “I’m sorry, but can you make him stop that? Its really distracting.”
“You’re the one who’s going to lay the tawdry Earth to waste,” Vince answered. “Why don’t you find a way?”
After giving Vince a look that said, ‘I’m not amused’, then proceeded to stick a knife in Tom’s gut. That move worked many times before, when men knew enough to be afraid of her and she was worshipped as the goddess of death she was. Unfortunately, she was not in times before, and the knife to the gut didn’t even make Tom blink. “Well, I’m out of ideas,” She responded, throwing her hands up.
“Don’t worry, Morty,” Vince said, taking her hand. “Many women have gone through this before you, and I know exactly what to do.” All Mort`e could do was follow him, asking “Who’s Morty?” With nary a word, Vince took the sexy and barely clothed visage of doom to the local clothing store, where, after a one-hundred fifty-dollar purchase and a change later, the terrible tyrant of the middle realms of Hell discovered a new sensation…
“Huh,” She said in awe, looking at herself in the mirror. “So, THIS is what its like to wear clothes…”
“How does it feel?” Vince asked her.
“Warm. Very warm.” Was the reply.
She then looked at Tom; he was still in his trance. “Amazing… he hasn’t moved since I arrived on this unworthy plane of existence…”
“Yeah,” Vince responded. “It doesn’t fully work until you do this,” And he slapped Tom in the face so hard, even the dread one herself felt it.
Tom instantly came to life. “WHO THE HELL DID THAT?! WHERE AM I?? WHY IS THERE A KNIFE IN MY GUT? I WANT ANSWERS, AND I WANT THEM NOW, YOU HEAR ME??! RIGHT NOW!!”
“Good to have you back, Tom,” Vince said nonchalantly. “Now say hello to our guest…” He motioned to Madame Mort`e.
Tom shook her hand and said, “I totally saw a nipple slip when you were in your other clothes…”
The Madame simply smiled and said, “Touch me again and I will destroy you.” She then looked at the two and asked, “So, what am I here for?”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “I almost forgot why we summoned her here for…” Tom said, remembering as he spoke.
“And what DID you summon me for?” She said impatiently. Upon telling her the reason she gave a laborious sigh. “Just like the nerd who ran the book club. Dammit!”
“What?” Vince asked, confused. “What did the nerd from the book club want to do?”
“Basically sex.” She smiled and added, “I did the whole ‘How dare you even try, foolish mortal’ thing… made him wet himself.”
Tom asked, “So let me get this straight… you don’t do sex? Then why do you dress like… you know…” Madame Mort`e became defensive. “Like what?”
Tom shrugged. “Well, with the sling thing and thigh-high boots, I thought you liked to… you know…”
“He’s saying you’re a whore!” Vince exclaimed, tired of Tom dancing around the subject.
Then Mort`e became insulted. “Now listen here!” She exclaimed. “Just because I dress like I do, does not make me a whore! I am the physical embodiment of death itself!!”
“Okay,” Said Tom. “But you still look like-
“I AM THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF DEATH ITSELF!!!!” She shrieked, scaring the crap out of the neighbor’s dog, which ran out of the yard and into the path of a truck.
Upon hearing the splat, followed by the sound of the neighbor kids crying, the physical embodiment of Death itself threw her arms up and said, “Now look what you’ve done!”
“What we did?!” Tom said incredulously.
“No, what you did,” Corrected Vince.
Covering Tom’s mouth with her hand, Mort`e picked up her sword and said with a sneer, “Stay here,” Then went outside to claim the dog’s soul.
Once she was out the door, Tom looked at Vince and said very excitedly, “She touched me! She touched me!”
“Now if only we could persuade her to have touch our thingies…” Vince thought out loud. But before they could say more, she was back inside. “Now,” She told them in a business-like tone. “Here are the ground rules of summoning! Rule one: You can’t make the summonee- that’s me- do things to you on purpose!”
“So… no sex?!” Tom asked, disappointedly.
“No sex,” She lied, taking pleasure in their groans of disappointment. “Also, my time in this realm is limited by about five hours, so we’d better get along with the show.”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “So, what else is off limits?” Vince asked her.
“As long as it’s not sexual, anything is par for the course.” The Lady replied.
Tom snapped his fingers. “I GOT IT!!” He exclaimed. “Come with me, Morty!” He took her by the arm and led her away. “Damn it, my name isn’t Morty!” She cried.
Before she knew it, she was standing in a dressing room. “Why do you have this in your house?!” She said in bewilderment.
“Came with the place,” Tom answered, rummaging through a box of props.
Madame Mort`e looked at the costumes around her. “If you think I’m going to dress up as a Martian princess, or a slave girl or something perverted like that, you’ve-
Tom produced a bowler cap. “Put this on your head!”
For the first time in centuries, Mort`e was dumbfounded. “…Huh?”
“On your head!” Tom repeated. “We only have four hours, thirty-five minutes! Come on!” She hastily did as told.
Then Tom produced a brown suit and vest. “Now these!” And she put those on as well.
“Now this false mustache!”
“Now wait just a minute…” Mort’e began.
“We don’t have a minute!!” Tom argued. “Just put on the ‘stache and let me call you Teddy!!”
With a facepalm and a sigh of resignation, she said, “Whatever,” As she put the mustache on. “Now what?”
“Hey Teddy!” Tom said aloud. “You won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”
The Death Goddess cocked an eyebrow. “…I’m sorry…?”
“You’re supposed to say, ‘what kind of strumpet is she’?” Tom chided her. “Now I’ll have to start again!” Tom cleared his throat and said, “Hey Teddy, you won’t believe the nice bit of strumpet I ran into the other day!”
She sighed a big sigh and replied, “What kind of strumpet is she?” in a flat monotone.
“You should have seen her! She had thighs like a purebred horse! A belly flat enough to cook eggs on, and not bad in the other places, either!” Tom then let out a strange laugh: “HOO-HOO-HOO!!”
Mort`e looked at Vince and said, “Can I go back to hell now?”
Vince looked at Tom and said, “I think she’s had enough of your shenanigans, Tom.”
Tom moaned in disappointment. “But I was about to tap dance!”
“Too bad.” Vince then added under his breath, “Last thing she needs to see is your shitty tap dancing, anyway…”
Three minutes later, they were back in the living room. “What’s next on this disturbing tour of your respective psyches?” The harbinger of oblivion asked sarcastically.
Vince pointed to the gaming system on the floor. “I challenge you to Halo!” He announced.
The Madame laughed and shrugged nonchalantly. “Prepare to be served,” She said, adding, “N00b.” as she sat down in front of the TV.
“Oh, we’ll see who the n00b is,” Vince retorted.
“I call the green controller!” Tom cried, sandwiching himself between the two.
As it turns out, Lady Death was very good at Halo. “Damn,” Vince said in gamer awe. “You just wasted Tom again! How many hours do you play?”
“Well, time is irrelevant in the afterlife, so I usually play until I get called upon to do my evil bidding. Or until I’m bored, which ever happens first.”
Tom was neither amused nor awed by her gaming skills; mostly he was upset at losing so bad. “Fuck’s sake, what do I have to do to get a killstreak going?!”
“Have you tried not sucking?” She replied. “I mean, come on, do you even game, bro?”
With that, Tom threw down the controller and said, “That’s it! Screw you guys, I’m going to go upstairs.”
“Wait, you’re forgetting something!” Mort`e called out.
Then, an explosion was heard from the TV. “Plasma bomb, bitch.” She ended with a smile. Tom went upstairs and spent the next thirty minutes moping.
Finally, the fifth hour had come, and Tom and Vince gathered to give their new friend and unwilling co-star a proper farewell. “I must admit, this was fun,” Madame Mort`e said with a smile. “The clothes shopping, the gaming, and that otherworldly invasion that we fought off together during the commercial break!”
“Yeah,” Tom interjected. “That was an awesome fight. Got to kick a monster in the balls…”
“Anyway,” Mort`e interrupted the interruption. “I have to go back to hell now, but I was wondering if I could stop by every now and then…”
Tom and Vince looked at each other. “How does that work?” Vince finally asked.
“I’ll need the book.”
“Crap,” Tom said, before handing it over. “I should warn you, the pages that have succubae are kind of… sticky.”
The Lady stopped cold. “…You didn’t get spunk on them, did you?”
“Maple syrup, actually. Made the mistake of having pancakes after the invasion we didn’t bother to talk about. Why?” But even as Tom asked, the pages began to glow, and suddenly there was a flash of light. When the light faded, there before them was a swarm of succubae, all armed to the teeth and wearing enough fabric between them to cover one person. “Well, well, Madame Mort`e,” A red one said with a hiss. “You thought you could keep the Earth to yourself? Well, now that we are all free, we shall-
“Excuse me,” Said a blue succubus. “I don’t mean to be rude but…”
“What is it, Evangeline?” The red one asked, rolling her eyes.
Then, a handful of the succubae pointed at Tom and asked, “WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?!?”
Vince and Mort`e looked at Tom; sure enough, he was in the state again. They both face palmed themselves. “Fuck’s sake, Tom…!” Vince cursed, before waving his arms and saying, “Follow me, ladies! I know what to do!”
As they went behind Vince, the red one asked, “Where are we going?”
“To max out my credit card,” Came Vince’s bitter reply.
“Are we going to kill anything on the way?” Responded the blue one. Vince answered, “Only if they don’t take Mastercard…”